Showing posts with label Thailand. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thailand. Show all posts

Tuesday, 11 July 2017

The Leaky Airplane


I first noticed something was wrong moments after takeoff when the gentleman across the aisle from me extended his arm into the gangway, with his palm facing upwards. The man in front of him was similarly puzzled by something overhead. I too looked up, and noticed what can only be described as a steady trickle of water flowing from an air conditioning vent. It appeared to be causing a nearby light to flicker like a prop in a cheap horror movie. My knowledge of aeronautical engineering is admittedly limited, but I felt fairly certain of one thing: it should not be raining inside of an airplane. Unable to move from our seats, there was little we could do as the plane rose steadily towards the darkened rainclouds.


Asia Hotel



As the rickety lift doors opened, I stepped out into the lobby. It was clad in grey, leaden marble, spruced with artificial flowers, and smelled of the 1980's; a musty mix of Reagonomics and aerosols since banned for environmental reasons. In the restaurant space where I had earlier eaten an attempt at a buffet breakfast, a Thai Elvis impersonator was gamely crooning for a dozen or so largely disinterested Chinese tourists.


I emerged outside into the humid evening, strolling through the waiting taxis in the road and dodging the carefree motorcycle taxis bombing down the pavement. I entered the compact 7/11. It was starkly lit and chilled, like the inside of an oversized refrigerator. A hunchbacked man bought Red Bulls, while tourists dawdled dazedly at the counter.

Stepping back outside into the steamy evening, a steady convoy of taxis passed, a blurring rotoscope of yellow, green, blue, pink. Somebody had bought some grilled pork from a street vendor and dropped it on the pavement for the grateful neighbourhood cats. Some wrestles with chunks of the hot meat, whilst one of the more timid felines slinked to a gap under a concrete base for shelter. A foreign tourist tripped on the uneven concrete.

Returning to the hotel, Elvis was still gamely working his audience. In one of the small shops at the back of the lobby, a middle aged shopkeeper was completing her daily aerobics routine. Briefly tempted to settle in at the rather tired if optimistic hotel bar or perhaps frequent the deserted Brazilian restaurant on the mezzanine level, I instead decided to turn in for the evening and headed for the lifts marked "Low Rise: Floors 1-11 Only".

Wednesday, 21 June 2017

Helpful Heckling at the KFC

I was in line at KFC recently (as is my wont). It was late in the evening, but there was still a sizeable queue waiting to order. To my great concern, at the counter just a couple of people in front of me, was a middle-aged western lady. Whilst I couldn't presume her nationality, I'd describe her general demeanor as "conspicuously Midwestern". No offense to any midwesterners reading, but...y'know.

Friday, 25 November 2016

It Ain't Easy Bein' Wheezy

I've always believed that some people are just born with immense natural talent. Usain Bolt has an innate aptitude for running, Stephen Fry's voice is inherently lovely, and Nigel Farage has an intrinsically smackable mug. 

As has been noted.

Thursday, 8 September 2016

8 Reasons Why 30,000 Baht a Month Isn't So Bad After All

Let's begin with a confession: for my first full-time teaching job in Thailand, I accepted 22,000 a month. Yes, that's right: a 22 Grand Job.



Wednesday, 20 July 2016

7-Eleven Proximity-Convergence Algorithm

7-Elevens are omnipresent in Thailand. The first arrived relatively recently in 1989, but the country already boasts more than 8469 stores. Whether you need to pay a phone bill, receive a much-appreciated blast of sub-antarctic air conditioning on a hot day, or partake in a toasted egg, ham, and cheese sandwich at 3 in the morning (hey, I'm not judging), Thai 7-Elevens have got you covered.

You know you want it.


Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Teaching in Thailand: Syphilis Tests

It's that time of year again; the summer storms are gathering, England are eliminated from another major football tournament... and foreign teachers in Thailand are heading to their nearest hospital for their annual syphilis tests.



Sunday, 29 May 2016

KFC Chizza

Feeling peckish, I recently visited KFC (as is my want) to grab some of their delicious fried crack chicken. On my way in, I was stopped in my tracks by this sign:

W-w-w-whaaaaat?

Thursday, 12 May 2016

Thursday, 28 April 2016

THAILAND SAVAGELY BROWBEATEN IN COMMENT SECTION


Bangkok - The nation of Thailand was subjected to a vicious and sustained online assault yesterday by a number of foreign men.

One internet witness- who wished to remain anonymous- said "I was casually browsing Facebook when I read an article about that English family who got beaten up in Hua Hin over Songkran."

"I clicked on the comment section, expecting to see the usual 'Land of smiles?!?' witticisms- but it was much more aggressive than that. I could hardly watch."


Monday, 28 March 2016

Coming to America


I arrived at the airport with the usual ball of excitement, fear, and tension churning in the pit of my stomach. I know that for most people, this is an enjoyable part of the trip. Personally, this is the precise moment when my ticket starts to look more like a betting slip, guaranteeing only the possibility of travel. What if I were to trip up the curb as I left the taxi and break my leg? What if some hitherto unidentified computer glitch erroneously assigned me to the no fly list? A veritable buffet of potential pitfalls could see me standing shell-shocked in a departure lounge, wondering why I'd bet 30,000 THB on such a perilous hand.


Wednesday, 15 July 2015

31 Hours in Bangkok, Part One

I recently had some friends visit from England, and despite my better judgement I decided to travel down and greet them on arrival Bangkok. Here's how it went down.

The crack of dawn.

Sunday, 24 May 2015

Back to School

Recently we had our first week back at school for Thailand. We often think about what going back to school is like for kids, but I wanted to write a little about what it's like on the other side of the divide and give a teacher's perspective.


Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Chiang Mai Football Club (Part 3/3)

In my final post about Chiang Mai FC, I'm going to talk about the elephant in the room...the actual football.



Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Chiang Mai Football Club (Part 2/3)

Last time, I wrote about 700 Year Stadium, the unique home of Chiang Mai F.C.

Today, I'll be writing about the fans.

Leading the cheers.

Sunday, 26 April 2015

Chiang Mai Football Club (Part 1/3)

Over the next three posts, I'll be sharing my appreciation and love for my adopted football team- the mighty Chiang Mai Football Club. This first post will be about their home ground, 700 Year Stadium. 

Thailand vs. North Korea, 2012

Thursday, 16 April 2015

Songkran

Songkran has been and gone for another year, as three days of water based madness come to an end. 

To the unfamiliar, Songkran is a holiday celebrating the Thai new year (and also lines up with Buddhist new years in other countries too). In the olden days, it was traditional to pour water on people to absolve them of sin committed in the previous year. 

As you may have gathered, this nugget of tradition has transmuted itself into an annual watery riot from 13th-15th April. The undisputed centre of festivities is the northern Thai city of Chiang Mai, where the central moat around the old city becomes the focal point for all forms of liquid-based frivolity. 



Pro-tip: Always aim at trucks. They're like getting five or six birds with one stone.

In my humble opinion, Songkran acts in much the same way as The Purge; it's a limited-time opportunity for people to go crazy, let off some steam, break normal rules and taboos and have a bloody good time doing so. You want to douse a policeman? You want to crack open a Chang tower at noon? You're a guy who doesn't feel like wearing a shirt, or a lady who wants to wear an outfit revealing your shoulders (both ordinarily scandalous)? You want to drive a pick-up truck full of your friends after drinking a bottle of whisky? Sure, sure, sure, and (sadly) sure. Drink driving aside, Songkran remains a fantastic occasion and one of the highlights of the year for many people.


With that in mind, here's a check-list of some of the sights, sounds, and other assorted assaults on the senses that you might find at Songkran next year:

☐ Slag wagons/hunk trucks: never ones to miss an opportunity for exploitative advertising, many of the country's top brands have branded pick-up trucks drive around the moat with scantily clad models perched precariously on top. These inevitably attract a great deal of attention, and watery ammunition.

☐ The look of pure evil on a little girl's face: Of all the people playing with water at Songkran, I swear that little girls are the most conivingly evil souls of all. There was one little girl this year (probably no older than 7) who hit me with an ice cold bucket, laughed as I cleared my eyes, and then hit me with a second bucket whilst cackling. Beware! 



☐ The bro-tastic foreigner who takes things too far: He's got a super-soaker, and he's aiming directly for the eyes. Impervious to the confused, disapproving looks of those around him, he's rather missed the point of a playful water fight. I'd love to do a cautionary PSA for this next year: Don't be a bro, aim for the torso.


☐ Go-Pro douche: a slight variant on the above bro, this one has fitted a $200 camera onto his $3 water gun. It'll no doubt make a great segment in the compilation video of his "Amazing Gap Year". I definitely saw at least three of these guys (and they were all guys), though there were probably many more. As you can probably tell, though I hate this kind of person I'd also really like to have their camera too. I suppose I'm part of the problem here.

☐ The middle-aged tourist who had no idea it'd be this crazy: typically Chinese, but occasionally farang, this person wanders around in far-too-nice clothes with a dazed, shell-shocked expression on their face. They had heard what Songkran was about, but sadly they hadn't quite prepared themselves for the more modern experience of throbbing techno and wall-to-wall watery carnage.

☐ Free Red Bulls: We came upon a truck with people dispensing free little bottles of Red Bull. Sure, they only cost 10 Baht, and we could have easily just walked into 7/11 and bought one, but these were free, dammit. We joined a crowd of about 20 people following the truck, with arms outstretched like starving refugees or zombies hunting for braaaaaaiiiiins.

☐ Corporate stages: a slight variation of the aforementioned slag wagon/hunk truck, these huge corporate stages pump out awful electronic music at volumes loud enough to vibrate the windows of the car next to you. In these situations, the sartorially challenged sexy people are typically manning hoses. They share the stage with a DJ and a man who's probably on steroids imploring the crowd to once more "PUT CHA HANDS UP!". It is unclear how long this has been going on for by the time you arrive, but it's probably several hours.


Pictures lovingly swiped from BBC and Wikipedia, all depicting Songkran in Chiang Mai.
So, that was part of my Songkran. I like to be snarky and cynical, but it really was a fantasticly joyous event. If you haven't yet been, I implore you to come- you won't regret it. See you next year!






Monday, 30 March 2015

On the travails of being an ESL Teacher in Thailand

Having seen a couple of these before for various different jobs, I decided to have a go at creating one for ESL teachers in Thailand.