Hot Summer

Newsflash: it's been really hot in Thailand lately.

No wait, come back! Not only is this a hot summer, it's the hottest since records began 65 years ago, with the temperature topping 40°C/104°F on a daily basis.

I'm eagerly awaiting Tuesday, when it'll *only* be 38 degrees.

Now as you know, I am (regrettably) English, and if there's one thing you need to know about the English it's that we do not thrive in hot weather. Oh sure, we bugger off to Spain for a week or two every year to top up our sun-tan by the pool, and generally loll about like wilted houseplants. But put us in the heat for a sustained period of time, and you'll notice we more closely resemble perpetually sunburnt snowmen, glistening in the heat and leaving a puddle of water wherever we travel. Mentally, we go a bit mad.

So what has it been like for numerous weeks of 40+ weather been like? I recently visited California, where the weather was literally perfect: blue, cloudless skies with a cool breeze during the day, and crisp refreshing evenings. We landed back in Chiang Mai at midnight around a month ago, and stepping out of the airport was hot, muggy, and smothering. You know when you have to open an oven door to check on the food? It was that kind of sudden, unexpected blast of heat to the face.

Put simply, it's testicle-witheringly hot. Air-con becomes less of a luxury and more of an essential human right. Actually, scratch that: it transcends humans. As with all hot snaps in Thailand, even the cats and dogs living on the street head to the nearest 7/11 for a much-needed breather.

This isn't my picture, but I saw a dog doing exactly this earlier this evening- only he was pressed up against the glass door.

If you can't access air-con, then a fan might just about do; ideally you'll have at least two tracked on you at all times. Head away even for a minute, and you'll find a sheen of sweat beginning to materialise on your brow- woe betide anyone taking an extended toilet break.

Riding on a motorcycle is usually a refreshing experience, but once the heat rises above a certain temperature the wind is no longer a welcome breeze. Instead, you mow along down the highway with the sun in your eyes and the feeling of a hair dryer on max power pointed directly in front of your face.

Another thing to watch out for is motorcycle saddles, especially if you're wearing shorts (or as I was last year, work trousers with a hole in the thigh). If you're not careful, a searing hot leather seat will quickly give you a scalding reminder to park exclusively under the shade.

What of exercise? Admittedly, I'm not exactly in peak physical condition. But let me say only this: I attempted to play football yesterday evening and almost passed out during the second 7 minute game. The unchilled water I'd brought along with me was roughly the temperature of a hot bath, and did little to quench my thirst. During a brief break in play I grabbed a Sprite from the store, and it was a euphoric experience that I imagine is usually only associated with hard drug use. Sometime during the second hour I semi-inadvertently blasted in a beautiful, curling shot from just inside the opposition half; not because I thought I would realistically score, but because I was literally unable to dribble the ball any further. If it's a good enough tactic for established athletes, it's good enough for me.

There is only one saviour in this weather- ice. Frozen water/juice/tea/coffee/beer- anyway you can get your liquids, at or below freezing. YES.

This is essentially crack to me right now. I want it so bad.

In summary: it's hot as balls outside. Let's all just stay indoors in front of the air-con, crack open an icy beverage and wait for this all to blow over.

You know it makes sense.