38 Observations Whilst Watching Under Siege 2: Dark Territory

Having recently enjoyed the first Under Siege (a.k.a. Die Hard on a ship), I decided to peruse Steven Seagal's second most impressive masterwork: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (a.k.a. Die Hard on a train).

Oh, it's on.

1) Opening with a shuttle shot- strong start

2) Executive Producer: Steven Seagal. Of course.

3) 'Red' from That 70's Show in the situation room- magnificent.

"I got these stripes for putting my foot up your ass!"

4) Satellite runs on pre-Windows 95 software. Glorious.

5) Obligatory tit shot- because this movie is for MEN.

6) Fanfare when Steven Seagal gets his first shot. Fuck yeah!

7) He stills runs a kitchen? Of course.

8) "You'd take the train too if your parents died in a plane crash". EXPOSITORY DIALOGUE

9) Seagal's niece is Katherine Heigl from Knocked Up? YES.

10) Wow, baggage guy is remarkably rapey.

11) Tape playing Walkman? Hooray for the 90's.

12) Mullet? In 1995? Brave.

13) Bleached blond hair? Definitely a bad guy.

14) Taking over an Air Force base was apparently remarkably easy pre-9/11.

15) Why does Seagal breathe all his lines? He never actually seems to just talk.

16) Casey Rybeck is writing his memoirs. I would 10/10 read that book.

17) Bad guy from the Mask? YES

Or as I like to think of him, 90's Cillian Murphy

18) AND Mike from Breaking Bad as one of the other henchmen?

19) Sassy black guy is a nailed on cert for cocky sidekick. [UPDATE: the actor's name is Morris Chestnut. I like this so much]

20) Seagal: "Now THIS, I'm trained for."

21) Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captor speaking" - how did this not win an Oscar?

22) Holding up CD-Rom technology like it's the fucking holy grail.

23) SEAGAL HAS AN APPLE NEWTON. A NEWTON.

24) HE'S USING IT TO SEND A FAX

25) I swear this guy in the control room is smoking more than he is speaking.

26) Every one of the mercenaries knows who Casey Rybeck is. Of course!

With stunts like this, word probably gets around.

27) "He has the CD!" Ah yes, the days before you could use Nero to burn infinite backups.

28) Seagal shot the guy's rope. Couldn't just shoot the guy himself, oh no. He shot his rope.

29) Blonde guy is...immune to pepper spray? 

That's not how pepper spray works.

30) Not the Stealths! That's the latest in scary 90's technology!

31) Distracts henchman with boobs. After knocking him out, says "Tits to die for."

32) Brilliantly lollable hand to hand combat scene 

33) Me: Don't fight Seagal in the kitchen, that's his natural habitat
      Seagal twenty seconds later: "Nobody beats me in the kitchen"

"Jesus Steven, I was only trying to make you a sandwich"

34) I may know nothing about Stealth fighter technology, but I'm pretty sure they don't usually bomb their targets from less than 100 feet.
35) Steven Seagal doesn't just outrun explosions. He out-jogs them.

"I'll be damned if I'm breaking a sweat"

36) Chopped bad guys fingers off in helicopter door. Standard.

37) Celebrating in the war room like Casey Rybeck just scored the winning touchdown at the Superbowl.
38) Inexplicably ending the movie with this shot in the cemetery. Because if there's one thing we came here to see, it's Seagal in his whites.