54 Observations Whilst Watching A Christmas Prince

By now, you'll have almost certainly have heard about the Netflix abomination masterpiece 'A Christmas Prince'. Some movies are great, some are terrible, but precious few manage to be so terrible that they become great. 'A Christmas Prince' stands foremost in this niche.

And boy, do I have some observations. (Spoilers ahead, obviously)

1) New York establishing shots with cheap post-production snow, because this is a CHRISTMAS MOVIE

2) Until BANG, we're now in Chicago for some reason? I'm confused

3) I wonder if this preppy blonde girl working in print journalism will be our protagonist

4) Token black friend ✅

5) Token gay friend (signified by a natty bow tie and waistcoat) ✅

6) "ALDOVIA" 😂😂😂

7) "Stay true to your dreams and success will follow"- dad's dialogue is ripped straight from The Secret

However improbable it might be, I'd love to see this win an Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay

8) For a vaguely anonymous central Eastern European country, these people sure do speak with flawless English accents

9) S-S-S-Stock drone footage

10) Top notch overacting from the extras in the news conference. As if anybody has ever given this much of a shit about a royal presser

11) I mean she's literally trespassing in a palace, but if she's adorable about it then that's apparently ok

Nothing to see here.

12) Ok and pretending to be a tutor, surely that's technically fraud and child endangerment 

13) I swear the notes for this character were just the word "Bitch" written thirty times in bold

14) His sister just hopped in on crutches 😬 Will this be an authentic portrayal of a well-rounded character with disabilities, or is this merely a cheap mawkish tactic designed to elicit ableist sympathy? [SPOILER: The latter]

15) He spins his kid sister around affectionately to ***establish that he has a heart of gold***

16) "Don't they teach you anything at tutor school?" TUTOR SCHOOL

17) She knocked over a priceless vase OMG so adorkable relatable af she's just like us

Screenwriter: "She could knock over a vase or something. Obviously something less cliched, but we can change it later in production"

18) "How could I possibly know maths, I'm just a girly writer after all"

19) Omg the disabled child's obnoxiousness was just a cover for her vulnerability that was lying like 1mm below the surface who could have guessed

20) He had a shave so he's now basically a different person

21) That archery target is literally 5m away

22) "Jellied meat, madam?" Excuse me, but: the fuck?

23) I wonder if this insufferable Tom Hiddleston/Richard E. Grant type who happens to be next in line for the throne will turn out to be evil? [SPOILER: He is]

24) Prince: "I was in a tent on the beach" omg, you're so boheeeeemian

25) The token gay character: "Where there's a tiara, there's dirt- trust me!". Somebody slap the writer.

26) Omg the prince plays piano, beneath his brusque exterior he has a sensitive and artistic soul

27) "You're really talented" calm down love, it wasn't Beethoven

28) This scene has all the production values of a cheap porno

29) Oh Simon, you really are a cad and a bounder

If I'm honest, he was my favourite part of the movie. But that was mostly because I was imagining him being played by Jack Whitehall

30) Ooooooh, I wonder if they're trying to set up the prince with the delightfully snooty Lady Sophia, who will compete for his affections with our lovably relatable protagonist [SPOILER: She does!] 

31) Of course she has a Mac because she's a ***writer***

32) "That benefit is to raise money for orphaned children" omg we fucking get it

33) Jesus, the budget was so tight at this point in production that there are only six kids in the choir

34) He missed the coronation to play with orphans? Good grief, they're really laying it on with a trowel

35) The horse is running away is no one going to do anything

36) The prince "accidentally" fell on top of her in the snow. Supposed to be adorable, but in a post-Weinstein world it's a bit 😬

37) "I'm so sad" - The Prince, on his horse, leaving his castle

38) Man, they are milking this drone for every fucking penny

Screenwriter: "I've only actually written about 30 minutes of dialogue at this point, so we'll pad things out with establishing shots. Besides, there's loads of time to polish the script before we shoot"

39) Why did you steal a horse if you can't ride

40) The Prince and Ms Vanilla retreat to a cabin with a log fire I wonder if they'll hook up

Screenwriter: "Yeah, like a log cabin or something. But again, not that cliched. We can decide in the next draft."

41) She somehow finds a certificate of adoption, and it looks exactly swimming certificate. The only thing that's missing is the clip art and Comic Sans

42) "This could make my career." Lady, just keep quiet and marry the damn prince and you won't even need a career (in case you were wondering, that's 10/10 what I'd do)

43) GIRL, THAT BRACELET IS ON LOAN FROM PANDORA I SWEAR

44) Makeover scene! *Ding ding ding* that's rom-com bingo!

45) Those gloves don't go with that dress, and I'm a straight white dude

I mean I'm literally clueless about fashion, but come on

46) Omg she's wearing Converse under her ball gown totes relatable

47) "I do" "Speak now or forever hold your peace" - I'm sorry, is this a coronation or a marriage service

48) No shit the secret paperwork was hidden inside the acorn, that thing was hideously ugly and the size of a football. If it wasn't concealing something valuable then what exactly was the point of it

49) "The king changed the law before he died" a) how b) the Prime Minister Is stood right there, isn't he the person who needs to actually pass laws

50) Actually why is a Prime Minister even involved in the coronation, that's literally not his job

51) AGAIN with the New York/Chicago switcheroo

52) Yikes, this editor is almost an anti-semitic stereotype

53) Why the fuck would the king come to New York on New Year's Eve? Oh yeah, that's right, because there's five minutes left in the film and they need to get engaged for some reason

54) Ughhhhhhhhhhaaaaaarrrrgggggghhhhhhh

In summary, this movie is absolutely terrible and you should it immediately. Like brussels sprouts and racist relatives, it's undeniably awful but also a fundamental part of the Christmas holidays.