Teaching in Thailand: Syphilis Tests

It's that time of year again; the summer storms are gathering, England are eliminated from another major football tournament... and foreign teachers in Thailand are heading to their nearest hospital for their annual syphilis tests.

That's right. To stay on the right side of the law, all teachers need to get tested for- let's face it- one of the more "venerable" STDs. Sure, it might have been the infection du jour of Shakespeare and Napoleon, but it's arguably been overtaken in recent decades by more pressing/dangerous conditions.

Nothing jumps to mind right now, but I'm sure you can think of something.

Regardless, I still wanted to keep my job and so dutifully trotted along for my annual Syph-Test (as it's affectionately known around the water cooler). After a simple measuring/weighing, a frankly strangulating blood-pressure cuff, and a small prick in the arm, I was essentially done. An hour later I returned for the results (fingers crossed!), and the doctor asked me some basic health questions. His first question through me a little off guard, so I asked him to repeat it for me.

"Do you have elephantiasis?"

Why, I've never heard such a scurrilous slur in all my days!

Now I may not be the most aesthetically pleasing man in the world, but dayum. Recomposing myself, I reasoned that since I'd made it to the hospital without a bag over my head we could probably go ahead and safely assume 'no'.

"Tuberculosis?"

Again, seeing as I arrived without an iron lung we can safely go ahead and assume that I don't in fact have TB. I mean, if I was born in a London tenement in pre-war London, sure. It might be something you'd want to check. Given that there are about 10 cases per hundred thousand people in England, I'd argue that it's not perhaps the most pressing of public health issues.

"Drug addiction/Alcoholism?"

[shifts in seat uncomfortably]

You mean besides the smack? And the crack? Of course not. Only on weekends.

Just out of curiosity, has anybody ever actually said yes to this question? It reminds me a little of how U.S. Immigration ask if you're a Nazi/Communist/terrorist when you arrive in the country. "Yes. WAIT! I mean no! No. I...oh just take me away."

But before I could leave, there was one final indignation. "Your blood pressure is a bit high," said the doctor. Gesturing to my dutifully recorded body weight in the top right corner of the form, he added: "Probably because of your weight".

Artist's impression of my medical exam

Now, I am undeniably on the heavy side. I have a general dislike of exertion and temperance, and a inversely strong appreciation for junk and sloth, If I were to pick an adjective to describe my heft, it would be "morbid". But, what I really wanted to tell the well-meaning doctor was:

"There are three separate cheer squads practicing for tomorrow's Sports Day directly outside my office window, I'm trying to finish writing two exams by the end of the day, and instead of cracking on with my work I'm being tested for a Victorian STD and asked if I'm a crack-addicted Elephant Man!"

Of course, I didn't actually say that: this isn't my first rodeo when it comes to getting my Thai visa extended. I smiled politely, nodded along to what the doctor is saying and left the hospital two minutes later with a clean bill of syphilitic health in my hand and an undeniable spring my step.

It's amazing the things that can lighten your day.

The joy of being officially syph-free