Boxing Day

Actually, it's not...you know what, fine

For most people around the world, 26th December is just another day; a post Christmas hangover both metaphorically and literally. For the British, it's Boxing Day, one of the most underrated and under appreciated holidays of the year. Bu why should we even bother with Boxing Day at all?

54 Observations Whilst Watching A Christmas Prince

By now, you'll have almost certainly have heard about the Netflix abomination masterpiece 'A Christmas Prince'. Some movies are great, some are terrible, but precious few manage to be so terrible that they become great. 'A Christmas Prince' stands foremost in this niche.

And boy, do I have some observations. (Spoilers ahead, obviously)

1) New York establishing shots with cheap post-production snow, because this is a CHRISTMAS MOVIE

2) Until BANG, we're now in Chicago for some reason? I'm confused

3) I wonder if this preppy blonde girl working in print journalism will be our protagonist

4) Token black friend ✅

5) Token gay friend (signified by a natty bow tie and waistcoat) ✅

6) "ALDOVIA" 😂😂😂

7) "Stay true to your dreams and success will follow"- dad's dialogue is ripped straight from The Secret

However improbable it might be, I'd love to see this win an Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay

8) For a vaguely anonymous central Eastern European country, these people sure do speak with flawless English accents

9) S-S-S-Stock drone footage

10) Top notch overacting from the extras in the news conference. As if anybody has ever given this much of a shit about a royal presser

11) I mean she's literally trespassing in a palace, but if she's adorable about it then that's apparently ok

Nothing to see here.

12) Ok and pretending to be a tutor, surely that's technically fraud and child endangerment 

13) I swear the notes for this character were just the word "Bitch" written thirty times in bold

14) His sister just hopped in on crutches 😬 Will this be an authentic portrayal of a well-rounded character with disabilities, or is this merely a cheap mawkish tactic designed to elicit ableist sympathy? [SPOILER: The latter]

15) He spins his kid sister around affectionately to ***establish that he has a heart of gold***

16) "Don't they teach you anything at tutor school?" TUTOR SCHOOL

17) She knocked over a priceless vase OMG so adorkable relatable af she's just like us

Screenwriter: "She could knock over a vase or something. Obviously something less cliched, but we can change it later in production"

18) "How could I possibly know maths, I'm just a girly writer after all"

19) Omg the disabled child's obnoxiousness was just a cover for her vulnerability that was lying like 1mm below the surface who could have guessed

20) He had a shave so he's now basically a different person

21) That archery target is literally 5m away

22) "Jellied meat, madam?" Excuse me, but: the fuck?

23) I wonder if this insufferable Tom Hiddleston/Richard E. Grant type who happens to be next in line for the throne will turn out to be evil? [SPOILER: He is]

24) Prince: "I was in a tent on the beach" omg, you're so boheeeeemian

25) The token gay character: "Where there's a tiara, there's dirt- trust me!". Somebody slap the writer.

26) Omg the prince plays piano, beneath his brusque exterior he has a sensitive and artistic soul

27) "You're really talented" calm down love, it wasn't Beethoven

28) This scene has all the production values of a cheap porno

29) Oh Simon, you really are a cad and a bounder

If I'm honest, he was my favourite part of the movie. But that was mostly because I was imagining him being played by Jack Whitehall

30) Ooooooh, I wonder if they're trying to set up the prince with the delightfully snooty Lady Sophia, who will compete for his affections with our lovably relatable protagonist [SPOILER: She does!] 

31) Of course she has a Mac because she's a ***writer***

32) "That benefit is to raise money for orphaned children" omg we fucking get it

33) Jesus, the budget was so tight at this point in production that there are only six kids in the choir

34) He missed the coronation to play with orphans? Good grief, they're really laying it on with a trowel

35) The horse is running away is no one going to do anything

36) The prince "accidentally" fell on top of her in the snow. Supposed to be adorable, but in a post-Weinstein world it's a bit 😬

37) "I'm so sad" - The Prince, on his horse, leaving his castle

38) Man, they are milking this drone for every fucking penny

Screenwriter: "I've only actually written about 30 minutes of dialogue at this point, so we'll pad things out with establishing shots. Besides, there's loads of time to polish the script before we shoot"

39) Why did you steal a horse if you can't ride

40) The Prince and Ms Vanilla retreat to a cabin with a log fire I wonder if they'll hook up

Screenwriter: "Yeah, like a log cabin or something. But again, not that cliched. We can decide in the next draft."

41) She somehow finds a certificate of adoption, and it looks exactly swimming certificate. The only thing that's missing is the clip art and Comic Sans

42) "This could make my career." Lady, just keep quiet and marry the damn prince and you won't even need a career (in case you were wondering, that's 10/10 what I'd do)

43) GIRL, THAT BRACELET IS ON LOAN FROM PANDORA I SWEAR

44) Makeover scene! *Ding ding ding* that's rom-com bingo!

45) Those gloves don't go with that dress, and I'm a straight white dude

I mean I'm literally clueless about fashion, but come on

46) Omg she's wearing Converse under her ball gown totes relatable

47) "I do" "Speak now or forever hold your peace" - I'm sorry, is this a coronation or a marriage service

48) No shit the secret paperwork was hidden inside the acorn, that thing was hideously ugly and the size of a football. If it wasn't concealing something valuable then what exactly was the point of it

49) "The king changed the law before he died" a) how b) the Prime Minister Is stood right there, isn't he the person who needs to actually pass laws

50) Actually why is a Prime Minister even involved in the coronation, that's literally not his job

51) AGAIN with the New York/Chicago switcheroo

52) Yikes, this editor is almost an anti-semitic stereotype

53) Why the fuck would the king come to New York on New Year's Eve? Oh yeah, that's right, because there's five minutes left in the film and they need to get engaged for some reason

54) Ughhhhhhhhhhaaaaaarrrrgggggghhhhhhh

In summary, this movie is absolutely terrible and you should it immediately. Like brussels sprouts and racist relatives, it's undeniably awful but also a fundamental part of the Christmas holidays.

A Final Indignity

"Un-fucking-believable", I said.

The Dragonfly

As I approached home, the very last of the dying sunlight was giving way to night. Shrouded by a drizzly rain, my brightly-lit house seemed to stand out as a beacon of domesticity, like a lighthouse shining out over a foggy sea.

Stepping through the front door, I surveyed the living room and HOLY SHIT

Philip Hughes and the Junior Apprentice Genie

Philip Hughes was utterly lost. He'd wandered off in search of a bathroom more than half an hour ago, but after a few wrong turns he now inexplicably found himself in the middle of a cave. The cave was piled high with golden valuables of a suspiciously Arabic nature. Aware that he moved with the deft poise of a drunken elephant, Phil carefully tip-toed a path through the precariously stacked stash.

"I may have committed some light treason": Trumpested Development

They say that tragedy plus time equals comedy. To give credit where it's due, President Trump has managed to shorten that time to mere seconds. From one gloriously disastrous fuck-up to the next, the Trump administration seems as terrifying as it is incompetent. This was perhaps best summed up online as:

House of Cards + Arrested Development = Trump Administration

And it got me thinking- if that's true, then who's who? Let's find out.

The Leaky Airplane

I first noticed something was wrong moments after takeoff when the gentleman across the aisle from me extended his arm into the gangway, with his palm facing upwards. The man in front of him was similarly puzzled by something overhead. I too looked up, and noticed what can only be described as a steady trickle of water flowing from an air conditioning vent. It appeared to be causing a nearby light to flicker like a prop in a cheap horror movie. My knowledge of aeronautical engineering is admittedly limited, but I felt fairly certain of one thing: it should not be raining inside of an airplane. Unable to move from our seats, there was little we could do as the plane rose steadily towards the darkened rainclouds.

Asia Hotel

As the rickety lift doors opened, I stepped out into the lobby. It was clad in grey, leaden marble, spruced with artificial flowers, and smelled of the 1980's; a musty mix of Reagonomics and aerosols since banned for environmental reasons. In the restaurant space where I had earlier eaten an attempt at a buffet breakfast, a Thai Elvis impersonator was gamely crooning for a dozen or so largely disinterested Chinese tourists.

I emerged outside into the humid evening, strolling through the waiting taxis in the road and dodging the carefree motorcycle taxis bombing down the pavement. I entered the compact 7/11. It was starkly lit and chilled, like the inside of an oversized refrigerator. A hunchbacked man bought Red Bulls, while tourists dawdled dazedly at the counter.

Stepping back outside into the steamy evening, a steady convoy of taxis passed, a blurring rotoscope of yellow, green, blue, pink. Somebody had bought some grilled pork from a street vendor and dropped it on the pavement for the grateful neighbourhood cats. Some wrestles with chunks of the hot meat, whilst one of the more timid felines slinked to a gap under a concrete base for shelter. A foreign tourist tripped on the uneven concrete.

Returning to the hotel, Elvis was still gamely working his audience. In one of the small shops at the back of the lobby, a middle aged shopkeeper was completing her daily aerobics routine. Briefly tempted to settle in at the rather tired if optimistic hotel bar or perhaps frequent the deserted Brazilian restaurant on the mezzanine level, I instead decided to turn in for the evening and headed for the lifts marked "Low Rise: Floors 1-11 Only".

Interim World President Hughes vs. Professor Mayhem

2047, Earth Federal Headquarters

[INT, DAY. AN EXPLOSION RIPS A HOLE IN THE WALL, AND AN IMPOSING FIGURE ENTERS THE ROOM THROUGH SMOKE] P.M.: "It is I, Professor Mayhem! Your reign has come to an end, Interim World President Hughes! Soon the entire planet will bend to my will!" P.H.: "Thank fuck for that" P.M.: "Haha! I knew...wait what"

Helpful Heckling at the KFC

I was in line at KFC recently (as is my wont). It was late in the evening, but there was still a sizeable queue waiting to order. To my great concern, at the counter just a couple of people in front of me, was a middle-aged western lady. Whilst I couldn't presume her nationality, I'd describe her general demeanor as "conspicuously Midwestern". No offense to any midwesterners reading, but...y'know.

Election 2017: Democralypse Now

Well well, here we are again at another election day. For the third time in as many years, British people will be heading to the polls to irreversibly screw up the country have their say on issues of the day. But before we head to our nearest run-down community centre/primary school, perhaps we should take a step back and address some pressing questions. How did we get here? Who's involved? And just wtf is happening?

Midnight Diner: Tokyo Stories

Netflix is bloody brilliant. Though it can admittedly turn up some dross (a four-movie deal with Adam Sandler, anybody?), since moving into TV production it's had an uncanny run of success that many networks could only dream of: House of Cards, Stranger Things, Making a Murderer, and far more besides.

Pictured: How I imagine Netflix CEOs survey their digital dominions

Donald's Dodgy Dealings: 6 Times Trump Tanked

First, a confession. Originally this post was to be titled "Literally just 42 Awful Things About Donald Trump". It was an off-the-cuff list of all the different ways that Donald was terrible. Just terrible.

(I know Clint's a Republican but whatever)