The 2018 England Squad as the People You'll Meet on a Lads Holiday

Spring has sprung across the UK, the Premier League is pretty much done and dusted, and thoughts are already turning towards the summer; specifically, the World Cup. The England national team are currently bang on track; after qualifying for Russia 2018 with relative ease and defeating a European heavyweight in an essentially meaningless friendly, expectations are sky-high. After all, when has that exact sequence of events ever backfired in the past?

And so, like many groups of young Englishmen up and down the country, the national team will soon be packing their bags and heading off for a European jaunt this summer. As you might expect, the England squad contains several of the core lads holiday archetypes. Let this be your guide to who's who.





Gareth Southgate: The Reluctant Leader

All your mates want to do a summer holiday, but nobody actually wants to pull their finger out and organise it. And why the fuck would they? You've got to pick the hotel, nag your own mates for money, and generally do all the boring jobs that nobody else wants to do. It's a thankless task; if all goes smoothly then nobody notices, but if anything goes wrong then you'll be getting roasted for years to come. In the absence of anyone else taking the initiative, The Reluctant Leader selflessly steps forward to head the group, shoulders the heavy burden of getting the lads to Europe- even if he never really wanted to do it. Speaking of Head & Shoulders...

Joe Hart: The Self-Appointed Deputy

Despite not actually doing anything to organise the holiday in the first place, this lad has seized de facto leadership with both hands. Before the holiday, he'll be the one piping up in the group chat on an hourly basis, reminding everyone to get their Euros and sorting people into minibusses to the airport. When you're actually there, he'll be the knocking on your hotel door at 9:00am to get everyone up for a poolside darts tournament. He is generally regarded as "a bit keen".

Jamie Vardy: The Wrong 'Un

There's always one mate in the group who is described as "alright, once you get to know him". For the uninitiated, this is code for "has an ASBO for headbutting a police horse on a night out". Trouble seems to follow him wherever he goes, perhaps because he's always the one who initiates it. You'll probably end up dragging him out of a bar at 2:00am for smashing a mirror in the gents with his bare fists after the bartender "looked at him funny".

Fuckin' pyscho, man

Jesse Lingard: The Flash Git

He seems to spend hours in the bathroom before going out and emerges smelling like he's wearing half of Luton Airport's duty-free aftershave department. He's undoubtedly smooth when out on the piss, but after you've seen him pull the third choreographed dance routine of the night, you'll begin to wonder if he's doing this for anybody else's enjoyment but his own.

Haha, nice one mate

Alright, you can stop now

...ffs

Harry Kane: The Gormless One

I take the piss now, but if he scores in the knockouts I'll be bloody ecstatic

For all his positive attributes, you can't deny that this mate is about as thick as clotted custard. If you ask him a question, you'll practically see the cogs turning in his temples. To keep this mental machinery from overheating, he'll also have an unerring tendency to breathe with his mouth open, like a particularly gormless Pac-Man. This guy will almost certainly try to show up to the airport a day early and without his passport.

Jack Wilshire: The Degenerate

Jack in his natural habitat

This is the lad who'll throw himself headfirst down the rabbit hole of debauchery. For 51 weeks a year, he's an upstanding member of society, but for that one week abroad he's an absolute wrecking ball. After all: what happens in Magaluf, stays in Magaluf. Whenever you see him, day or night, he'll a duty-free cigarette on the go in one hand and an extra-strength beverage in the other. When not on the lash, you'll probably find him getting progressively sunburnt on a pool lounger. He'll return to England a broken man, but will be first in line to do it all again next time.

Phil Jones: The Substitute

Fun fact: the first Google autocomplete suggestion is for "Phil Jones face"

Somebody had to pull out because their girlfriend wants to go away for a romantic weekend in Portugal instead, so their place on the trip needs filling. Enter the Substitute. Half the group will be wondering what he's even doing there (and he's not entirely sure himself), but he's just happy to be along for the ride.