Brexit: Britain's Glorious Future

Like many of you, I was despondent about the EU Referendum result. Using my patented Crystal Bollocks technology, I've peered into the future to see what lays in store for us now that we have left the European Union. 

Artist's impression

Politics

In a championing of traditional, British social stuctures, absolute monarchy is restored. Lizzy Windsor is named Supreme Grand Empress for Life, and Prince Philip is drafted to handle Brexit negotiations with his trademark sensitivity and diplomacy.

Oh Phil, what are you like!

Meanwhile, Boris Johnson is leading the country. We won't have a British parliament anymore (parliament is a French word, after all), but Boris will be heading up the Privy Council when not serving as the Queen's personal court jester. Michael Gove will meanwhile take up the role of Groom of the Stool; the perfect position for someone so adept at royal brown-nosing.

Gove, pictured here in his new uniform.

Health

The NHS is to be wonderfully well resourced, after the campaign Brexit increased funding by a monumental £350 million a week.

Urm, okay. Scratch that. New future: the NHS is abolished in favour of more "efficient" private institutions, which will make American healthcare companies look like Doctors Without Borders. There'll be plenty of business too; after getting rid of bothersome EU regulations, consumer products will become much more exciting. The concept of 'health and safety', so long derided by the Mail and Express, will be replaced with fuzzier notions of 'common sense'. As British people are self-evidently deficient in the common-sense department, hospital admissions will unfortunately treble.

*Wells up with patriotic pride*

Education

Wishy-washy subjects requiring critical thinking such as English literature are to be axed immediately, in favour of good old-fashioned science and maths. Can't argue with those facts, can you lefties? The curriculum will be replaced by a single sheet of paper with the words "Reading, writing and 'rithmatic" written on it. History will be retained, though analysis of world history is to be replaced with memorising lists of British monarchs. Delicate historical issues (i.e. slavery, empire) will be re-branded as patriotic tales of plucky Brits using cunning and endeavour to secure a glorious underdog victory against far superior numbers. World maps and globes will be no longer be funded, freeing up vital resources for compulsory 50ft Union Jacks.

Although, at a pinch, these "improved" world maps may be allowed.

Policing

Police to be given unlimited powers to arrest and detain anybody they suspect of wrongdoing, without fear of wishy-washy concerns such as "racial profiling" or "human rights". Of course, crime will drop to virtually zero once all those foreign criminals are deported. [Moment of realism: of course not].

'Ello 'ello 'ello. Seen any Polish types about?

Defence

Every British family is to receive a STEN gun.

If it's good enough for Winston, it's good enough for us

Switzerland was held up as a model of a non-EU state which managed to flourish in Europe; given their liberal approach to assault weaponry (and Nazi gold), it makes sense that we should follow their lead in guns as well as politics. Some may question the wisdom of distributing temperamental sub machine guns to civilians who were Googling "what is the EU?" in the day after they voted to leave it, but those people would be lefty-Guardianista-socialists.

Other policies are to include naval mines in the English Channel (can't be too careful), and the replacement of the Eurofighter Typhoon with the far more patriotic Sopwith Camel.

Huzzah!