Russia 2018: Ing-er-lurnd (1/2)

England went into the World Cup as perennial underachievers and left a month later having equaled our best performance in nearly 30 years and with pride in the national team rightfully restored. Just how the hell did that happen?

First, some context. If we're being brutally honest, England have been middling for literally decades. After beating Germany 4-2 in the World Cup final at our home tournament in 1966, the closest we came in subsequent years was a semi-final in Italia 90, which we inevitably lost to the Germans.

Not that we hold a grudge against our Teutonic cousins or anything

Sadly, things had taken even more of a nosedive in recent years. England's last knockout victory at a World Cup was a 1-0 win in 2006 against mighty Ecuador. In 2014 we were knocked out in the group stage after just two matches, and in Euro 2016 suffered the indignity of being eliminated by Iceland, a nation of a few hundred thousand people that was previously best known for volcanoes, Bjork, and eating fermented shark.

Oh, bore off already

Things were to get more embarrassing for England. After the humiliation against Iceland, the English FA decided to get realistic. England were crap, and indeed had been crap for decades. Why couldn't we spin this to our advantage? Other teams with far less quality than us were able to progress through tournaments by playing dour football, defending well, and sticking in the boot against more gifted opposition. A giant lightbulb went on above the FA headquarters: "That could be us!". The solution was to hire Sam Allardyce, a manager with a proven track record of keeping terrible teams in the Premier League.

To be fair, he's also always good value for the lols

This would not be easy to stomach. England fans had long had delusions of grandeur (1966! Bobby Moore! Three Lions!), and Big Sam promised a style of football that was not so much 'tiki-taka' as it was 'agricultural'. And we're talking Soviet-turnip-collective levels of agriculture here: 4-4-2, long balls from the back, knockdowns by a tall number 10 to a nippy number 9. To give you an idea of how enjoyable this is to watch, one Everton fan forum noted that Allardyce's nicknames while managing their club ranged from "curry udders", "chippy tits", to my personal favourite, "The Count of Monte Bisto".

The FA knew all of this going in. It might not be pretty, but it was a Faustian pact worth making so long as we wouldn't be humiliated every two years by nations that half our squad would struggle to locate on a map. Unfortunately, in the event Allardyce lasted precisely one game before being forced to resign after being caught up in a newspaper sting. Morale was at rock bottom.

In the absence of a cohesive plan, the FA decided to temporarily give the poisoned chalice position to the under-21 manager, who had turned down the job earlier in the summer and took pains to tell anyone who'd listen that he didn't really want to be England manager. Yep, Gareth Southgate took some persuading.

With qualification for Russia 2018 soon assured, Southgate's next hurdle was picking his squad. Inevitably, the English media love to have a field day with the squad selection. After all, somebody has to be left out of a 23 man squad, and after England are predictably sent home early it's easy to say "we would've gone through if only we'd taken [insert any one of fifty less-fancied players here]". For Southgate, his task was relatively straightforward. Wayne Rooney had recently broken the England scoring record, but had hardly set the Premier League alight after his move from Man United back to Everton. In the end, it was an easy choice to leave out Rooney, who instead spent his summer moving across the pond to DC United. Similarly, Joe Hart had been England keeper for a number of years, despite a growing body of evidence that he wasn't actually very good. Pep Guardiola had shipped him out of Man City after being there for all of five minutes, and a lackluster Serie A loan was followed by a middling spell at West Ham punctuated by a number of blunders. Not that he was bitter about it, or anything.

England would be sure to miss his calm, measured presence at the back

After dropping a few of these older players who no longer deserved a spot, the England squad was looking pretty decent. It was the third youngest in the tournament, and- on paper at least- things looked well-balanced, bold, and optimistic. After some solid wins in the warm-up games (including a banger of a goal from Marcus Rashford), the squad were ready to head off to Russia.

Although if you're trying to temper expectations, this is the last thing you bloody need.

 Game 1: England 2 -1 Tunisia

Going into the tournament, this looked like one of the worst possible opening matches. Face a genuinely brilliant team, and it's easy to take a defeat on the chin and say "they were just better than us". Face a World Cup minnow, and you should roundly batter them. Tunisia falls into the sticky middle category by being a team that's still a relatively tricky proposition, but who you should nevertheless beat. Failure to do so is a real blow to morale. In 2010, England's monumentally woeful 0-0 draw against Algeria was later described as "England's footballing nadir"(admittedly, this was before the Iceland game), and the turgid display knocked our confidence to such an extent that we were pretty much dead in the water from that point on. England would need a good performance against Tunisia in 2018 to avoid the same fate.

England started brightly, and when Harry Kane scored inside 11 minutes, it was an encouraging sign. Long-suffering England fans had been here before though; Steven Gerard scored against the USA in the first four minutes of our 2010 campaign, and we all remember how that ended.

"FFS" - every single England fan groaning in unison, 2010

It was in this game we got our first glimpse at what would go on to be a recurring theme of the World Cup: shithousery. This almost inexplicable low-level cheating was a plague in the early stages of the tournament, before teams began to realise that VAR meant such transgressions would- shockingly- be punished. Kyle Walker might have been guilty of some basic shithousery when he gifted Tunisia a penalty by inexplicably swinging his arm in the box, but England were certainly more sinned against than sinning. England's first goals had shown we were dangerous at set pieces, and Tunisia did their utmost to make sure that England- and Harry Kane in particular- were not to get on the end of corners.

The homoerotic tension was palpable.

It looked like England were running on World Cup autopilot; going ahead early before gifting the opposition an undeserved equaliser and losing any desire to impact the game. We looked as though we were sleepwalking to a stalemate, and it was all so crushingly predictable. That was, at least, until we got one more corner in the 91st minute...

F*&!#@ GET IN YOU BEAUTY

Not for the first time at Russia 2018, this sent England fans through the roof- though admittedly, some let it go to their heads more than others.

Someone always has to go overboard, don't they?

In the most un-England like of fashions, we'd had snatched all 3 points at the death. With a winnable game against Panama coming next, things were looking pretty rosy. Maybe it was time to dare to dream?

By the always excellent David Squires

Game 2: England 6-1 Panama

To be fair, Panama weren't expected to do much. This was their debut tournament, and in many ways it was a great achievement for a nation of their size and footballing pedigree to even get to the tournament. Again, this in itself offers a potential banana skin to competitors: anything other than a comprehensive win would simply not be good enough. How would England respond to this mental pressure?

It's a point so banal that it barely needs saying, but the early goal was important. Against opposition of Panama's level, you're expected to chalk up at least a few goals. The longer the game stays at 0-0, the more frustrated the bigger team becomes and the more the underdogs begin to realise that they might actually be able to nick something from the game. Fortunately for us, John Stones rose to power in a header within the first ten minutes and England never looked back. 

Not that we didn't have to overcome difficulties for the victory. During that first goal, Maguire was essentially being grappled to the floor, and it was a tactic that would be repeated often throughout the game. Panama's defence had apparently decided before the match started that their best tactic against England would be to turn the shithousery up to 11 and just hope that they'd get away with it.

Which was rather optimistic when holds such as this are rarely seen outside the world of Olympic wrestling

Morally, it was undeniably satisfying to see Panama's shithousery being punished again and again by the ref, and Kane dutifully notched up two textbook penalties. A masterclass in set-piece strategy was finished off again by Stones (which hilariously put him ahead of Rooney for the number of goals scored at a World Cup), and Jesse Lingard piled in too by scoring a contender for goal of the tournament. A neat one-two followed by a curling, dipping effort into the top right corner, it was one to savour.

You can practically hear it being burned to the highlights DVD as you're watching it

Again, Panama were not the toughest opposition you could face at a World Cup. But England going in at half-time in a major tournament being 5-0 up? England had literally never had it so good.

Again, some fans let the performance go to their heads

Harry Kane's hat-trick was completed by a fortunate deflection off his heel, which really is the kind of goal that you only score when things are already going your way. In so doing, Kane became only the third English player to score a hat-trick at a World Cup.

Game 3: England 0-1 Belgium

The final game of the group stage saw England in the unfamiliar position of having already qualified. Normally, we'd desperately be chasing an unlikely win against previously underestimated opposition, whilst the TV coverage would feature boffins in the studio running computer simulations to explain what specific combination of results elsewhere we would need to go through. Not so this time; no drama, no fuss. It was all very Southgate: professional, organised, confident.

With Belgium also winning two out of two, the final group stage game placed both teams in a difficult position. The winning team would theoretically have an easier game next, but would paradoxically face a much tougher route to the final. The loser would have to overcome the Group H winners, but would face a much easier stroll as the knockouts progressed.

With both teams through and little motivation to go all out for the win, it wasn't surprising to see both sides make wholesale changes. Who would seize the opportunity to impress?

Unfortunately, it was Adnan bloody Januzaj. Having burst onto the scene at United a few years ago, his career seemed to be fizzling out after unsuccessful loans to Borussia Dortmund and *cough* Sunderland. I was honestly surprised to see his name on the Belgian team sheet, and even more surprised when he curled in an admittedly brilliant goal to seal what had otherwise been a rather dull affair. Aside from a Marcus Rashford one-on-one that he somehow failed to convert, there was very little to write home about. It probably says a lot that the undisputed highlight of the game was when Batshuayi tried to celebrate the goal by lashing the ball into the back of the net, only to accidentally hit the post and see it ricochet back into his face.

THWACK

To be fair, he took it pretty well after the game:

In any case, it didn't really matter all that much. England had already improved on their 2014 performance and successfully navigated their way out of the group stage, where they would face off against the Cocaine Kings* themselves: Colombia.

(*not an officially sanctioned nickname)

See you again soon for a full round-up of England's jaunt through the knockouts!

Russia 2018: Mosgoooooooooal

After a jaw-dropping month of football, Russia 2018 is all over.

Things didn't look so auspicious in the run-up. Most of the talk about the upcoming tournament wasn't so much about the football as Russia's notorious problems with football hooliganism and racism, and the Russian national team themselves were the lowest-ranked hosts in the history of the tournament. Take THAT, 2010 South African squad! To rub salt in the wound, the opening game saw the hosts face off against Saudi Arabia; two countries arguably more well-known for their human rights abuses than silky, free-flowing football.

A criticism expressed by Britain's highest-ranking diplomat at the opening ceremony.

That opening game was the first hint that something special was underway. Admittedly, my own hopes were so low that I spent the afternoon playing pool whilst keeping half an eye on a flatscreen in the corner. The game soon caught the attention. Saudi Arabia might have been just as bad as everyone had feared (indeed, they were even worse), but Russia played some cracking football, typified by Cheryshev's lovely curled dink on the outside of his left boot.

Russia ran out 5-0 winners, and things were suddenly looking pretty interesting. The real litmus test would be the first group stage heavyweight bout the following evening: Spain vs Portugal. To be honest, clashes between big teams in the first round of games (particularly if they're neighbours) tend to fizzle out into cagey, dull affairs. Both sides will usually play within themselves and are perfectly content to walk away with a 0-0 draw and avoid an embarrassing defeat, rather than gamble national pride on a victory. I went to the local pub with my mates more out of hope than expectation. How wrong I was...

Cristiano Ronaldo, current Ballon d'Or holder and the world's foremost narcissist, did what he does best and took the game by the scruff of the neck. Portugal were going for the win, whether they actually wanted to or not. Scoring in the first minute, Ronaldo then benefited from a rare David De Gea mistake before completing his hat-trick with a sumptuous free kick. This was a little inconvenient personally, as I'd spent the preceding two minutes telling anyone who'd listen just how (relatively) bad Ronaldo was at free kicks, and this effort would probably end up well in the stands. I was slightly wrong.

It wasn't all one-way traffic, however. Spain gave as good as they got, and arguably should have won the game. Diego Costa was an absolute beast, and his first goal was as good as he gets; not so much kicking the ball into the net as bulldozing his way through the Portuguese defense before picking out a finish that only he could see. However, the goal of the game belonged to Nacho, whose hit could charitably be described as "not bad for a second-string defender"

It was at the full-time whistle in this game that I fully realised things were about to kick off.

The rest of the group stage games saw a number of heavyweights stumbling: Brazil opened with a draw before scoring two injury-time goals to see off Costa Rica, Germany lost their opening game to Mexico, and Argentina were dangling by a thread after drawing 1-1 with Iceland and being battered 3-0 by Croatia.

Even in this, there was drama. A narrow win against Nigeria saw the Argentines go through, and Germany looked as though they'd completed a similar turnaround after a last-gasp winner against a difficult Sweden side. Naturally, I'd been cheering on the Swedes and was ecstatic to see them go into the break with a slender 1-0 lead, but the Germans played their way back into contention, scoring an equaliser early in the second half before robbing winning the game in the seventh minute of injury time. The Germans were typically understated in their victory, and the defeat felt almost as crushing as seeing England lose at the death.

As soon as this free kick was given, you knew it was ending up in the back of the net

Whilst most of the titans rediscovered their form to limp through to the knockouts, Group F held one final twist. Germany needed a result against South Korea but struggled to make a breakthrough. In injury time, the ball fell improbably to the previously unfancied Kim Young-gwon in the German penalty area. Cool as a cucumber, he took a touch before roofing it into the German net, only to see the linesman disallow the goal for offside. Not for the first time in the tournament, the decision went to the video referee. The VAR showed that the goal was indeed legitimate, and wild celebrations ensued amongst the Korean squad (and in my living room). Chasing the game, Manuel Neuer threw himself up the pitch, only to yield possession and see Tottenham's Son Heung-min roll the ball calmly into an empty net. Germany finished bottom of the group. Korea also went home, but Mexico showed their deep gratitude towards their Korean brothers-in-arms.

It was a rollicking finish to the group stages, and things would soon heat up further in the knockout round. The very first game here was France vs Argentina, a fixture that is known in the business as a spicy meatball.

In the event, it proved to be even spicier than anybody could have anticipated. I was at a wedding that day, and it seemed as though every time we had a cheeky clandestine look at our phones to check the score, another goal had gone in. France came from 2-1 down to run out 4-3 winners, thanks in part to this absolute banger of a goal from the French full-back Pavard:

Warning: this goal is not suitable for viewers under the age of 18

Though it hurts me to give any credit to the Argentinians- especially after they essentially staged a coup against their own manager- they battled valiantly and could have won late on. At least Angel Di Maria went home with another cracker for the highlight reel.

Indeed, the first two days of knockout football were an absolute bloodbath. Ronaldo's Portugal soon followed Messi's Argentina out of the tournament, and the Spanish were soon to follow. Perhaps demonstrating why it is generally thought of as unwise to sack your manager just days before the start of a major tournament, Spain looked pedestrian and short of ideas as they struggled to break down a Russian team who were up for a fight and tough as nails, much like their frankly terrifying manager.

Stoic, or psychopath?

Following on from the earlier disappointment of Sweden vs Germany, there was to be another non-England related World Cup heartbreak for me. For some reason, I've always had a bit of a soft spot for the Japanese; perennial WC underdogs, they play tight technical football and always put up a good fight. Against the highly-fancied Belgian team spearheaded by Hazard, Lukaku, and De Bruyne, the Japanese team deservedly found themselves 2-0 up thanks to some crisp passing and well-applied pressure. It was too good to last. After Vertonghen improbably lobbed the keeper with a crossed header, and human wrecking ball Marouane Fellaini rose to power in an equaliser. It looked to be heading to penalties, when a surging Belgian break swept from one end of the field to the other before being calmly slotted home by West Brom's very own Nacer Chadli. Take that, Radja Naiinggolan. It was a cruel blow for the Japanese team and their impeccably behaved supporters, who went home with nothing but their reputation for being absolutely lovely people.

Japan, you are too pure for this world.

The quarterfinals went much as you'd expect, with the highlight being Belgium's victory over Brazil. Whilst the Brazilians had been much fancied before the tournament, the team had become known for Neymar's theatrics as much as anything else. This was not only incredibly embarrassing for Neymar personally, but also absolutely infuriating for football fans around the world. The World Cup is a high profile event that draws in casual viewers by the millions, and when a player of Neymar's caliber rolls around on the floor like a toddler having a tantrum in the supermarket, it makes the sport as a whole look like a joke. In the event, he failed to have an impact in the QF and Belgium duly sent the Brazilians packing. It was a real shame, as the Brazilians failed to live up to the pre-tournament hype and uphold their reputation as a nation that plays with flair, energy and a smile on its face.

Incidentally, this is my favourite picture from the entire World Cup. I want to have it framed so I can display it in my study. Divine.

On to the semi-finals, which saw France finally find a way to blunt the rapier-like attack of Belgium to advance as 1-0 winners. Solid in defence and conservative in attack, it was a textbook semi-final performance. Croatia too deservedly won their semi-final (discussion to follow in a later England-centric post). France vs Croatia wasn't a final many would have predicted before the start of the tournament, but it went some way to demonstrating just what a wild ride it had been.

In many ways, the final itself was as bonkers as the preceding month of football. Please excuse the liberal usage of block caps in my highlights below, but it really was that sort of game:

1) The opening goal was an OG, the first ever scored in the World Cup final. Incidentally, the top scorers at the World Cup were:
3rd = Griezman, Lukaku, Cheryshev, Ronaldo, Mbappe (4 each)
2nd= Kane (6)
1st= Own Goals (12)
MENTAL.

2) Cool as liquid nitrogen infused cucumber, Perisic took a touch in the box before unleashing an absolute BANGER of an equaliser.

3) VAR was used to award the harshest of penalties. Whilst I personally think it's been a great resource in this tournament (see the Korea vs Germany game), I felt that this particular incidence was more of a case of ball to hand.

4) Hugo Lloris tried to dummy Mandzukic in a WORLD CUP FINAL, and got exactly what he deserved.

5) Goals! This final had as many goals as the previous four finals combined. As a neutral, this is just what I wanted (although probably not what the Croatians were looking for).

While it would have been nice to see the Croatian underdogs win the World Cup for the first time (especially as this could be the last WC for some of their more experienced players), France were the deserved winners and capped off what had been an absolutely extraordinary tournament.

See you in Qatar, lads?