49 Observations Whilst Watching Green Lantern

Welcome again! Let me be your guide to the very worst in modern cinema, as I endure watch the 2011 movie "experience" Green Lantern.

1) DC Comics...already not promising. #rottentomatoes
2) "The most powerful force in existence: the emerald energy of willpower"

Fun Fact: Nietzsche did uncredited script doctor work on  Green Lantern

3) Why are all these aliens hot pink?
4) Rock n roll! A Chevy! Blue jeans! Sunglasses! We get it, you're the all-American hero.
5) Grey Tim Robbins looks wrong to me.
6) Wow, this fighter pilot is such a maverick. Why does that ring a bell?

Nope, I got nothing

7) Oy, picture of the dead fighter-pilot dad in the cockpit? TRY HARDER WITH YO BACKSTORY
8) Why does every superhero need a dead parent? Would they not otherwise be compelled to fight evil?
9) So he deliberately stalled and crashed an F-35 in a training exercise in order to "win" (just did a Google, they cost $100 million + each). This is our hero.
10) Ok, I'm not liking the movie but Ryan Reynolds is undeniably funny and charming.
11) Alien crashes *right* on the shore. I mean, 2/3 of the planet is covered in water and you manage to land within 6 feet of a beach?
12) 'Take the ring, place it in the lantern in the ship, say the oath I just told you'- this seems like an unnecessarily laborious process for choosing a predecessor

What's wrong with "Put on the ring, get the powers"?

13) Jeez Louise, is that Mark Strong as weird-pink little-moustace receding-hairline man?! His voice has the usual gravitas, but he looks like a luminous 1960's sunbed salesman.

Seriously.

14) Sarsgaard dude, I like him! I mean, again, weird receding hairline and moustache but still!
15) Why is Carol falling for Hal? He's obviously a douche; he scarificed you earlier in the training exercise and is obviously taking advantage of you.
16) Me: I bet the bullies mention his dad [five seconds later] I WAS RIGHT
17) Why does the ring give him a comical oversized fist?
18) Earth has a surface area of 510 million square kilometers, but of course Hal buzzes right by the ISS.
19) WOW that is a shitty costume. I mean, bloody hell, his mask looks like a bright green sanitary pad.

20) Geoffrey Rush? What are your dulcet tones doing in this crap-fest?
21) Fish-dude green lantern is protector of 80,000 galaxies. Do you know how huge an area that even is? The Mily Way itself is 100,000 light year across, nevermind the vast expanse in between and oh it's just a silly movie.
22) Hal's really excited about being able to fly even though he JUST TRAVELLED THROUGH SPACE TO ANOTHER PLANET
23) "Green is the power of will"- also envy and sickness, but who's keeping track...
24) "Will is what makes you take action. Fear is what stops you and makes you weak. It makes your constructs feeble"

Yoo-hoo!

25) Why is the brilliant scientist/probably villain teaching a freshman college class with jocks? You're above this dude. [Update] Ohhh, he only got to see the alien because of nepotism...
26) FLIP PHONE ALERT
27) Ooo probably villain improbably bumps into main hero, how unexpected
28) Everyone seems incredibly chill about a Senator's helicopter in a tailspin only 30 feet off the ground
29) Why would you use your ring to turn a crashing helicopter into a hot-rod and then make a road for it? I mean, if you can magic anything out of that ring then why not just make a giant pillow or something
30) THAT CRAPPY MASK ISN'T A DISGUISE. You have the same haircut for crying out loud.

I mean come on, man

31) That is a hilarious transformation for Sarsgaard. He looks like he's allergic to shellfish.
32) If Hal only needs the mask in situations he needs to be anonymous, why does it appear when he transforms in front of his mate?
33) There's 40 minutes left? Christ on a cracker
34) "I'm not mad at you. I feel bad for you really" - and thus, the romance is set
35) Why is nobody creeped out that Sarsgaard's head is twice it's usual size and he's got huge veins all over his forehead?

I mean COME ON

36) "Let's have a stupid power fight- I'll make a hurricane of glass and you can melt it with an imaginary green flamethrower"

37) Why would Hector burn his dad alive?
38) Calling it: Mark Strong puts on the fear ring and turns evil, because he's Mark Strong in a Hollywood movie and he's nearly always evil. [Update: BOOM CALLED IT]
39) Why's Hector in a custom wheelchair now?
40) "Stay here" "No problem" YOU JUST WATCHED A GIANT ALIEN SUCK A MAN'S SOUL OUT OF HIS BODY AND DROP HIS CORPSE AS A WITHERED HUSK
41) This is why Green Lantern sucks. His special power is constructing random green objects...

Does rather beg the question of why the Lanterns didn't just make green atomic bombs and blow up Paralax but whatevs.

42) Asteroid belts don't look like that.
43) "The bigger you are, the fast you burn" - the only dialogue in like five minutes of fighting. Why bother?
44) I love how the other Lanterns show up *just* in time to save Hal from falling into the sun, but slightly after they could have helped defeat the bad guy. Cheers, guys.
45) "Hal, can you take off the mask?" - Carol says what I've been thinking all along
46) Kashmir sounding rip-off at the end.
47) Wait, Geoffrey Rush is back for 30 seconds of utterly meaningless voice-over.

48) The screenplay had four writers, and the story itself had three. I'm just saying.
49) WAIT HOLD UP - Post credit sequence is Mark Strong's creepy pink moustache dude putting on the fear ring and transforming into a bad guy?! I feel conflicted: on the one hand it's the only time I've ever seen a post-credit sequence that was actually worthwhile, but also it's a weird shift in tone, one minute he's congratulating Hal on a job well done, then *WHAM* he's super evil? I mean, I'm presuming that it's intended to set up a sequel that never came, but still...

THE FUCK?!