How to improve the Olympics

Every four years, the Olympics sees the world's best athletes coming together to compete at the very pinnacle of their sport.

Not to mention interminable opening ceremonies on the concept of peace. No, wait- environmentalism? Who evens knows.

It's all very warm and fuzzy, seeing athletes from around the world converging for a unique festival of sport. It's all very worthy. But let's be honest; because they're all so good, it can be bloody boring at times.

*yawn*

In order to remedy this, I have a modest proposal for the International Olympic Committee. At the opening ceremony (after the acrobatics representing the plight of dolphins etc.), every athlete gets assigned a random sport (decided by lottery/tombola/whatevs). 

You could get dignitaries to man the crank. "Come on Pele, you're up!"

The only rule is that you can only compete in a sport that you've never done before. Imagine the scenes. I'm talking shot putters in the synchronised diving, rugby sevens teams crammed into sail boats, weightlifters prancing the gymnastics floor with colourful ribbons.

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If nothing else, it'll help separate the truly gifted athletes from the rest. Sure, Michael Phelps is a whizz in the pool: we know that already. But how will he get on when balanced on a fricking horse in EQUESTRIANISM? 

Good luck, fish-man!

Usain Bolt is the fastest man alive. Sure. But that will count for nothing when he's trying to bag Jamaica's first medal in...HANDBALL! 

A.K.A. That sport you see on the Olympics every four years and NOWHERE ELSE

Simone Byers may be America's 4'8'' sweetheart/ one of the most incredibly graceful gymnasts of the modern era- but can she throw down in JUDO? Think of the drama!

Although to be fair, she'd probably just be bloody amazing at Judo too.

You're welcome, IOC. You're welcome.