Cabinet Minutes From An Alternative Timeline Where Brexit Was Actually Successful

The Prime Minister

Prime Minister Boris Johnson: Crikey, chaps!
All: Crikey!
BJ: I've called you here today to congratulate you all on the continuing success of Brexit. Who could've guessed that just two years after the referendum, we'd be completely out of the European Union and sending an extra £350 million a week to the NHS. Speaking of which, how are those health care reforms coming along, Jeremy?
Jeremy CHunt: We've set up a Direct Debit with Virgin to run the NHS on our behalf. I'm mostly just sat in my office playing Candy Crush these days, to be honest.

A potentially dangerous bellend (both literally and figuratively)

BJ: Smashing! Foreign secretary, how are those new trade deals coming along?
Nigel Farage: Swimmingly, Prime Minister. As you know, we've been absolutely inundated with trade deals since escaping the tyrannical grip of Brussels. Just yesterday, I personally negotiated a billion pound trade deal with China to export our famously innovative jam.
BJ: Naturally.
NF: As for the subcontinent, India and Pakistan have un-partitioned themselves and are publicly begging us to kickstart the Empire again. As soon as my safari suit comes back from the tailors, I'll head out there on my brand-spanking-new blue passport to hammer out a deal. We should have Empire 2.0 ready to go faster than you can say "East India Company".

"If you want a vision of the future, imagine a [Union Jack] boot stepping on a human face- forever." - George Orwell (probably)

BJ: Quite. Any word from North America?
NF: The Americans should be crawling back to the motherland any day now, just as soon as Congress agrees to our terms.
BJ: Could you remind me what those were again?
NF: Three simple demands, Boris: Reinstate Queen Elizabeth as the head of state, pay reparations all British tea destroyed in harbours and waterways, and an official apology for the Mel Gibson movie "The Patriot".
BJ: Splendid. I do feel like I'm forgetting something, though. Is the Minister Without Portfolio here?
Theresa May: *sigh* Yes, Prime Minister.
BJ: Do us a favour and get the kettle on, would you? Mine's milk and two sugars.
TM: *shudders* Of course, Prime Minister.
BJ: And to think that Remoaners like Theresa here were warning that we'd be faced with potential food shortages and have to rope in the army to help keep the country running! What tosh. Speaking of law and order, how are are the repatriations going, Home Secretary?
Michael Gove: Very well, Mein Fuhr...urr...Mr. Prime Minister. As you well know, we've put in years of work to prepare for this moment, what with the "Go Home" vans and deporting British people back to the Caribbean.
BJ: I remember it fondly.

The Home Secretary

MG: I'm happy to announce that the number of successful asylum applications to the UK have now dropped to precisely zero, and we've almost finished converting the Isle of White into the world's largest deportation centre.
BJ: Take that, Australia! Gentlemen, I'd like to finish today by proposing a toast. To Brexit!
All: Hail Hydra To Brexit!

Election 2017: Democralypse Now

Well well, here we are again at another election day. For the third time in as many years, British people will be heading to the polls to irreversibly screw up the country have their say on issues of the day. But before we head to our nearest run-down community centre/primary school, perhaps we should take a step back and address some pressing questions. How did we get here? Who's involved? And just wtf is happening?

Brexit: Britain's Glorious Future

Like many of you, I was despondent about the EU Referendum result. Using my patented Crystal Bollocks technology, I've peered into the future to see what lays in store for us now that we have left the European Union. 

Artist's impression

Brexit and the Generation Gap

Less than a week on from the Brexit vote, and the country is still reeling. One of the more interesting aspects of the vote to leave Europe was the clear demarcation between younger and older voters.

Stark.

Brexit: Bloody Hell

The results are in. Britain will leave the European Union. 

Pretty much my reaction.

EU Referendum Warning Klaxon

After weeks and months of fervent campaigning, the EU Referendum is finally taking place in the UK tomorrow. Will we remain a part of the EU? Or will we vote to leave, stick our collective oars in the English Channel, and paddle furiously out to the Atlantic Ocean whilst flipping off the continent with our remaining digits?

All in all, it's been a worrying campaign throughout- even before the outrageous murder of Jo Cox last week. Naturally, much of the venom has been targeted at immigrants and refugees.

For goodness sake.

EU Referendum: "Changing Our Culture"?