Philip Hughes and the Junior Apprentice Genie

Philip Hughes was utterly lost. He'd wandered off in search of a bathroom more than half an hour ago, but after a few wrong turns he now inexplicably found himself in the middle of a cave. The cave was piled high with golden valuables of a suspiciously Arabic nature. Aware that he moved with the deft poise of a drunken elephant, Phil carefully tip-toed a path through the precariously stacked stash.




It was at this moment that his fat arse rubbed against a golden lamp, which fell to the ground with an almighty crash. At once, the lamp began hissing a cloud of blue smoke. From the smoke emerged a genie, who looked remarkably similar [but legally different] to the genie from the 1992 Disney blockbuster Aladdin. 

Kind of like this but in a way that absolutely doesn't infringe on the copyright of the Disney corporation

"Who are you?" asked Phil, for he was slow on the uptake.

"I'm a genie, of course!" said the genie. He too could sense that Phil was slow on the uptake. "Thank you for freeing me from my prison."

Not wanting to tell the genie about the accidental, butt-based nature of his release, Phil changed the subject. "If you're a genie, does that mean that you can grant me wishes?"

At this, the genie blushed bright blue. "Well, truth be told, I'm actually a junior apprentice genie- I don't have my full powers yet. There's this long course to complete, and a 2-year licensing program, yadda yadda. It's a whole thing."

Phil, who had been thus far unfamiliar with the complex bureaucracy surrounding genie licensure, asked: "But...you can still grant me wishes, right?"

"Of course!", said the genie, before adding under his breath "...within reason."

Phil was taken aback. He'd gone off looking for a place to take a piss, and now 30 minutes later he was being offered wishes by a bright blue demigod. His mind raced with possibilities. Invisibility? Telepathy? Abs like Zac Efron? After several minutes of indecision, he made up his mind.

"Genie, for my first wish..."

"I'm going to have to stop you right there," interrupted the genie. "Fully qualified genies can do three wishes, but junior apprentices are only approved for one wish per person. Sorry."

"Ah. I see. Well in that case, for my only wish, I'd like the ability to fly."

The genie laughed.

"What's so funny?"

"That's advanced level genie work, buddy. Only Tier 3 Coordinator genies can grant the power of levitation. Try lowering your expectations a bit."

Crestfallen, Phil reconsidered. What else he could ask for? Nothing supernatural, evidently. It had to be something simple; something that would change his life for the better.

"I've got it. Genie: I wish to be well-regarded and respected by my peers."

The genie snorted.

"What? What's so funny about that?" inquired Phil defensively.

"I'm a genie, not a miracle worker," he chuckled.

Embarrassed, Phil lashed out at the genie. "Alright then, intern trainee genie or whatever it is you are. Perhaps you could tell me what kind of wish you could actually grant?"

Inspecting his fingernails, the genie sniffed. "I could double your supermarket loyalty points."

Phil stared blankly at the genie.

"Or I could make your ears 10% less flappy"

"I DON'T EVEN HAVE FLAPPY EARS!" yelled Phil.

"Calm down, it was only an example. Something in that ballpark."

Defeated, Phil finally realised what he could ask for.

"Genie. Show me the way to the toilet."

The genie smiled proudly and puffed out his chest. "Consider it done."

THE END