Donald's Dodgy Dealings: 6 Times Trump Tanked

First, a confession. Originally this post was to be titled "Literally just 42 Awful Things About Donald Trump". It was an off-the-cuff list of all the different ways that Donald was terrible. Just terrible.

(I know Clint's a Republican but whatever)

Unfortunately, after Trump won the election the issues just kept piling up. Literally no sooner than I'd finish writing and sourcing one deficient facet of his personality- for example, his shockingly casual attitude to nuclear weapons- Trump would reveal another fundamental personality flaw, like a waiter whisking off a shiny lid to reveal a fresh plate of dog turds.

You know what, let's just use this GIF again

It was like whack-a-mole, only the mole was the specter of fascism coming to the USA. It was clear I would never finish. In the end, I decided to focus on one key part of The Donald: his business affairs.

Whilst it's arguably his slimy personal views and fascist questionable political beliefs that have attracted the most attention, I thought that Trump's business affairs deserved a closer look- not only because they provide some frankly hilarious examples of his hubris, but because, fundamentally, Trump sees himself as a businessman. He defines himself by his ostentatious displays of wealth, his get-rich-quick chutzpah, and his willingness to do pretty much anything for a quick buck. He was the original, quintessential yuppie.

Not that he was necessarily as good at business as he might have had us believe.

Indeed, even now that he's the President of the United States, he's still finding it hard to leave behind his businessman persona. He's still following his businesses on Twitter, has jumped into the fray to criticise businesses he percieves as being critical, and is so wedded to his beloved penis substitute Trump Tower that the DoD is looking at renting space in the building as a matter of convenience. 

So, without any further ado, here are Trump's biggest business balls-ups. Bon appetit!

1) Trump Steaks

Trump + beef products + mall based electronics chain = TRUMP STEAKS

Say what you will about Donald (and I certainly have), he certainly has a certain bravado. This is perhaps best typified in his attempt to launch Trump Steaks, despite having absolutely appalling taste in beef himself. Funnily enough, the public didn't warm to the idea of steaks being sold by an 80's business tycoon through a consumer electronics store. I'd recommend reading this article for the fascinating full story, but it can be best summarised by the single quote "we literally sold almost no steaks".

2) Trump Airlines

Of course, this is merely the latest in a long line of failed Trump businesses. One of the earliest failures to "diversify the brand" was Trump Airlines. With planes decked out in wood veneer and golden lavatory fixtures, it was an undeniably classy outfit. Yet surprisingly, it was largely useless and Trump Shuttle never turned a profit.

3) Trump Magazine

Not content with cornering the meat market, another of Donald's post-Apprentice projects was the establishment of a magazine; in the words of Cheeto Mussolini himself, "we conquered the TV business so I guess we have to go magazines now, right?" (reminder: this man will soon be President).

With the wonderfully un-self-aware strapline "THINK BIG * LIVE LARGE", the magazine focused on what has charitably been described as "wealth porn", which is another term for "overpriced crap that nobody needs". From a purely money-making perspective, the magazine should have been raking it in. For the cost of $5.95, readers were treated to a magazine that was essentially 1/3 puff-pieces/promotion for Trump and his family, and 2/3 advertising for private jets and cigars.

I wonder how they managed to land these HOT cover stars?

Donald proudly boasted that he had "put up no money for the magazine", which is always a ringing vote of confidence in a fledgling enterprise. Despite the fact that it must have cost almost nothing to make and was essentially a $6 advert for the Trump brand, Trump Magazine still managed to bounce paychecks and left employees without health care coverage, reflecting Donald's Man of the People persona. Unsurprisingly, the magazine had a short but troubled life and folded in 2009 after just two years.

4) Trump Vodka

Amazingly, this didn't catch on

Another of Trump's post-Apprentice schemes, Trump Vodka was yet another study in hubris and mismanagement. This article is well-worth the read, but here are some of the most salient points:

• The company making it was so small that it shared a phone number with a Connecticut pizza parlor.
• "By [next summer], I fully expect the most called-for cocktail in America to be the 'T&T', or the 'Trump and Tonic'" - The Donald
• However, Donald wouldn't actually drink the vodka itself as he was a life-long teetotal: "I've never had a drink". 
• Trump then justified his curious moral position by explaining that "If I don't sell it, someone else will".
• Limited edition bottles were literally plastered in gold.
• In the words of the man who created the deal, "the company cratered". Between 2005 and 2012, the company producing Trump Vodka lost 99.9% of its value.
• Half a million miniature bottles were melted by the glassmaker during a dispute over unpaid bills, which is a delightful mental image.

5) Trump University

Of course, perhaps the most dubious of Trump's business dealings (and there have been many) is Trump University. Trump University was impressively named, as it involved both a minimal presence from Trump and most definitely wasn't a university. 'Students' signed up on the promise of learning more about real estate, but were effectively fleeced out of cash. John Oliver did a typically excellent piece on Trump University:

Unusually, this shady business venture was so bad that Donald very nearly had to go to court. This would've been awkward as he'd just been elected President (uhh), and incoming Presidents don't typically prepare for their new administrations by being charged for fraud. Donald was defiant:

Hear that haters? He's a principled man, and he's not backing down!

...at least, he was defiant up until the moment that he realised he was probably going to lose, and he swiftly settled to the tune of $25 million.

How selfless of you

6) Bankruptcies.

Credit where it's due, he's had one hell of a dead cat bounce

Of course, perhaps the best-known fact about Trump's business dealings is that he's managed to file for no fewer than six separate bankruptcies, an impressive number for someone who so loudly proclaims their own proficiency at investing. Whilst this might not have worked out so well for his employees, the man himself was keen to state that he "came out great", which is what it's really all about.