Tuesday, 11 July 2017
The Leaky Airplane
I first noticed something was wrong moments after takeoff when the gentleman across the aisle from me extended his arm into the gangway, with his palm facing upwards. The man in front of him was similarly puzzled by something overhead. I too looked up, and noticed what can only be described as a steady trickle of water flowing from an air conditioning vent. It appeared to be causing a nearby light to flicker like a prop in a cheap horror movie. My knowledge of aeronautical engineering is admittedly limited, but I felt fairly certain of one thing: it should not be raining inside of an airplane. Unable to move from our seats, there was little we could do as the plane rose steadily towards the darkened rainclouds.
Asia Hotel
As the rickety lift doors opened, I stepped out into the lobby. It was clad in grey, leaden marble, spruced with artificial flowers, and smelled of the 1980's; a musty mix of Reagonomics and aerosols since banned for environmental reasons. In the restaurant space where I had earlier eaten an attempt at a buffet breakfast, a Thai Elvis impersonator was gamely crooning for a dozen or so largely disinterested Chinese tourists.
I emerged outside into the humid evening, strolling through the waiting taxis in the road and dodging the carefree motorcycle taxis bombing down the pavement. I entered the compact 7/11. It was starkly lit and chilled, like the inside of an oversized refrigerator. A hunchbacked man bought Red Bulls, while tourists dawdled dazedly at the counter.
Stepping back outside into the steamy evening, a steady convoy of taxis passed, a blurring rotoscope of yellow, green, blue, pink. Somebody had bought some grilled pork from a street vendor and dropped it on the pavement for the grateful neighbourhood cats. Some wrestles with chunks of the hot meat, whilst one of the more timid felines slinked to a gap under a concrete base for shelter. A foreign tourist tripped on the uneven concrete.
Returning to the hotel, Elvis was still gamely working his audience. In one of the small shops at the back of the lobby, a middle aged shopkeeper was completing her daily aerobics routine. Briefly tempted to settle in at the rather tired if optimistic hotel bar or perhaps frequent the deserted Brazilian restaurant on the mezzanine level, I instead decided to turn in for the evening and headed for the lifts marked "Low Rise: Floors 1-11 Only".
Monday, 26 June 2017
Interim World President Hughes vs. Professor Mayhem
[INT, DAY. AN EXPLOSION RIPS A HOLE IN THE WALL, AND AN IMPOSING FIGURE ENTERS THE ROOM THROUGH SMOKE]
P.M.: "It is I, Professor Mayhem! Your reign has come to an end, Interim World President Hughes! Soon the entire planet will bend to my will!"
P.H.: "Thank fuck for that"
P.M.: "Haha! I knew...wait what"
Wednesday, 21 June 2017
Helpful Heckling at the KFC
I was in line at KFC recently (as is my wont). It was late in the evening, but there was still a sizeable queue waiting to order. To my great concern, at the counter just a couple of people in front of me, was a middle-aged western lady. Whilst I couldn't presume her nationality, I'd describe her general demeanor as "conspicuously Midwestern". No offense to any midwesterners reading, but...y'know.
Thursday, 8 June 2017
Election 2017: Democralypse Now
Well well, here we are again at another election day. For the third time in as many years, British people will be heading to the polls to irreversibly screw up the country have their say on issues of the day. But before we head to our nearest run-down community centre/primary school, perhaps we should take a step back and address some pressing questions. How did we get here? Who's involved? And just wtf is happening?
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