Confessions of a Failed Vegetarian

I once tried being vegetarian. This is where it went wrong.

I guess I'd always been drawn to the idea of becoming a vegetarian. Besides the ethical side of things, I felt that as a fully committed Guardian reading hippy, I should probably just go the whole-hog and abstain from meat. Flippancy aside, there were other reasons. Firstly, I'd not long got my dog. I'd only ever had a pet goldfish before, but raising an adorable little puppy from when he was six weeks old stirred a new-found compassion for animals. I couldn't help but notice that this little mammal was a lot like the other animals I had no problem eating; you could feel the same delicate little bones, the same fleshy legs. And yet I loved and cared for this little bastard, so why was I so cold-hearted towards other animals?

Aforementioned fluff beast.

There were other push factors. When you drive on the highway here in Thailand, it's not uncommon to see pig trucks. These might just be pickup truck sized or a full lorry, but they're caged vehicles filled with clearly distressed pigs. Again, seeing these pig trucks was an eye-opening experience. For one thing, you can't be in denial. You see a truck full of chickens? Oh, those are probably egg-laying chickens going to a new farm. Cows? They're just moving to a new dairy farm. Pigs? Those animals are heading to their death. In hours, they'll be dead and getting hacked into ever tinier pieces.

For another thing, those pigs aren't cosmetically different to me. They're fat, pale, and make loud braying noises- check, check, and check. Besides a consciousness and an ability to communicate, I fundamentally shared a lot in common with those pigs.

"I am essentially the same as Phil"

And so it was around April/May 2014 that I decided to go vegetarian. I signed up as a veggie at my place of work (you get free veggie lunches and groceries), legitimising my new-found ethical righteousness. At the beginning, things were fine, and for several months I happily enjoyed being a vegetarian. I discovered fake-meat sausages which I still generally prefer to some of the meaty versions (no gristle for a start), and since I eat my meals out at restaurants I was quite easily able to take the vegetarian options. What could go wrong?

However, by about six months I was seriously wavering. For a start, I wasn't especially eating healthily. Prior to changing my eating habits, I'd pictured my new and ethical diet as being the catalyst for a healthy New Start. I would eat abundant fruits and vegetables, and derisively snort at the processed junk that lesser mortals would consume. What actually happened was that I ended up eating way more eggs (4-5 a day, at least), and rekindling a passionate love affair with cheese. I've heard vegetarians/vegans say stuff like "you can get all your protein from soy/lentils/chia/foraged nuts from the forest floor", but my body craved protein- specifically cholesterol packed eggy-cheesy goodness. 

Apparently, this is chia. I still have no idea what it is or where it comes from.

There was also the fact that many of the terrible foods that I loved were vegetarian. Cake? Veggie. Beer? Veggie. French fries? Eat all you want fatty, they're guilt free! I can't tell if it was this lazy eating on my part or the lack of meat, but I was drained 24/7. Even by my relatively low level of activity, I was pretty much zapped. Evenings would typically consist of eating out, coming home, and crashing out on the couch in a state of exhaustion.

Besides being essentially vegetative and coating my major arteries in a thick layer of eggy insulation, I also quickly got bored of the limited options available in restaurants. Sure, I probably could've had veggie versions of all the other dishes, but I didn't want to be "that guy" and make custom orders because of some stupid voluntary life choice that I'd made.

Just assume you can eat about one tenth of the items, and you get the point.

With the veggies options quickly exhausted, I started bending rules. I'd initially planned on avoiding seafood, due to the fact that it's equally morally unjustifiable as any other form of meat eating and has been implicated with modern slavery in the south of Thailand. We can all agree that's *kind of* a bad thing.

However, I caved pretty quickly on seafood- slaves and cute little fishies be damned. The problem is most restaurants only have one or two vegetarian options, so if you eat there more than a couple of times then you've essentially exhausted your options. The first thing you think when you pick up a menu isn't "what would I like to have?", it's "what can I actually even eat here?". At least by allowing seafood, you broaden your options a little and have some wiggle room.

Even with this concession, my moral willpower was constantly strained. Perhaps the most dispiriting occasion was when we went to a friend's house for Thanksgiving; naturally there was a succulent turkey on the table. And boy, do I fucking love turkey. Besides which, they're renowned for being especially stupid and aggressive, so it basically shouldn't count as sinful meat eating. But no, I was a dutiful little vegetarian that day, righteously nibbling a second portion of mashed potato whilst I watched laughing friends eating juicy turkey. It sucked.

You can't tell, but this turkey is laughing at me.

When Christmas rolled around, I wasn't about to make that mistake again. I was going to have some god damned turkey. "Watch out, you might be sick. You haven't eaten meat for a while", warned my wife. She needn't have worried; I demolished that plate of turkey and enjoyed every succulent, sinful bite.

After my Christmas binge, it was a harder slog to stay on the side of veggie-righteousness. I hung in there for a few more months, but by the time school finished in March, I was ready to wave goodbye to my meaty abstinence. In an act that felt equally as formal as signing up to be a vegetarian at the start of the school year, I drove to a KFC and ordered a boxed meal. I ate it right there in the restaurant, and it was good. Really good. I'd missed regular meat eating so much that even this overly-processed steroid-infused monstrosity tasted Finger Lickin' Good. 

"Well, well, well. Look who came crawling back. You know that you can't quit the Colonel"

After returning to the dark side, I felt much better. Where I'd previously felt worn out and lethargic most of the time, I now felt renewed levels of zinginess (if that's even a thing). I'm not sure that steak is an energy food exactly, but it felt good to have it back in my life.

So where am I now? I still know that eating meat is unjustifiable. I'll try to avoid pork and beef where reasonably possible, and will happily eat vegetarian meals for a couple of days. But in the long-term, I think I'm just too weak-willed to make it work. Maybe I'll try again in the future- just as soon as humanity develops a cure for burger thirst.

Brb, just gonna get me a double bacon cheeseburger