Bond: To what do I owe the pleasure, M?
M: Well Bond, as you know the current government has been counting the pennies. It's time to tighten our belts.
 |
| Apparently there was too much pork in the budget. |
Bond: I don't like the sound of that one bit.
M: You can see where this is going. We're going to have to drastically scale down the cost of the Double-0 program. Frankly Bond, I see this as a positive development.
Bond: How so?
M: James, you are our most outstanding agent.
Bond: Thank you sir.
M: No Bond, I mean that you stand out wherever you go. You're the only 'secret agent' that I know of who exclusively drives super-cars, cavorts with glamorous women, and has a watch that shoot lasers beams.
 |
| Take this photograph, Bond. You may as well be wearing a sandwich board with SPY written on it. |
M: Bond, the whole point of espionage is that you remain unnoticed. Unseen. In the shadows. You, on the other hand, are about as subtle as a firecracker up the jacksy.
Bond: Alright, you've made your point. So what will these cutbacks entail?
M: First for the chop is your car. No more Jaguars or Aston Martins, the fuel efficiency alone is appalling. Say hello to your new vehicle:
M: : It's a 2007 Ford Fiesta.
Bond: ....
M: Much more cost-effective, and you'll be utterly inconspicuous.
Bond: Does it at least have ejector seats?
M: It's got electric windows.
Bond: [stony silence]
M: [fixed grin]
Bond: What else?
M: Naturally, we've had to cut back a bit on your gadgets. Here's your new device.
Bond: This appears to be an iPhone.
M: Indeed it is.
Bond: 4th Generation.
M: Very economical.
Bond: How has it been modified? Does it dispense knock-out gas? Poisoned darts?
M: It does have this rather snazzy Union Jack case.
Bond: If you'll forgive me M, I'm going to leave before you give me any more tat.
M: Not so fast Bond. There's one more thing that we need to reign in. The women.
Bond: You don't understand, M. I need Slovakian super-models. It's integral to my job performance.
M: Frankly James, it just raises far too much attention. For your new assignment, you'll be going undercover as a husband and wife from Wellingborough on your tenth anniversary. Say hello to Susan.
Susan: Are you Jim? You're not as tall as I thought you'd be.
Bond: Ugh.
M: Best of luck, Bond. You'll find a £50 Primark voucher and a Travelodge room key in the Fiesta's glovebox.
Bond: Sod this, I'm going for a vodka martini.
M: Urm...that'll have to be an Asda own-brand gin, Bond. And by the way, don't forget to collect your new uniform on the way out:
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