Northampton - Researchers are confounded after finding a man seemingly
unable to feel compassion for people located more than 100 miles away.
Though the recent refugee crisis has sparked outpourings of generosity and assistance from people across Europe, scientists say that Barry Shitacre, 52, is physically incapable of feeling any sympathy for those outside a 100 mile radius from his Northampton home.
“It’s truly remarkable,” notes Dr John Splogsworthy. “Whilst
compassion is usually shared across kinship groups and commonly triggered at
the sight of fellow human beings suffering, Mr Shitacre’s geographical limitations
are practically unheard of amongst the scientific community.”
“He’s a right bastard”, added Dr Splogsworthy.
Shitacre has defended his distance-based approach to empathy,
insisting “You’ve got to look after your own first, haven’t you? And by that, I
mean people within an arbitrary amount of distance from my bungalow.”
“Look, I’m not a bad person,” insists Shitacre. “If you
suffer some gross misfortune and you’re in Milton Keynes or Bedford, then I’m
more than happy to help you out. I’ll even stretch as far as Birmingham at a
pinch. But if you happen to be somewhere east of King’s Lynn? You can forget about it, mate.”
“Surrey, yes.” he continued. “Syria, no.”
Watching TV images of refugees being welcomed
enthusiastically into Germany after a harrowing and brutal journey following
exile from their homeland, Shitacre said “Nope, not a peep.”
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