British vs American English

Shots fired, I repeat, shots fired!

Reading this article on Ajarn.com the other day got me thinking about British English and American English. Of course it's something we don't normally consider when we're at home and surrounded by people who speak exactly the same way as us, but it's something that you're constantly aware of when you live abroad (especially so when you're an English teacher). As soon as you open your mouth- or attempt to write something on a whiteboard, you instantly mark yourself out. Of course this can be true at home (whenever I went to Manchester, I always felt like a bit of an imposter), but when you're abroad the attention is magnified. After all, accents can play a big part in how people perceive us.

I admit I'm guilty of it too; I've always been biased towards Irish and American accents and annoyed by Australian accents. Sorry Aussies, but decades of you arrogantly beating us at sport and generally trying to out-bloke the English have made you my sworn enemies.

I guess that what sounds 'normal' and flat to you often comes across as peculiar and interesting to others. I'm convinced that I'm drawn to American accents because I grew up hearing them on TV and in the movies- as far as I knew as a kid, all Americans were beautiful, glamorous, cool. Now that I'm no longer 6 and a little more well travelled, I realise that's not exactly the whole picture.

Fortunately, the English accent tends to get a thumbs up front many people. I'm not 100% sure why, but this Oatmeal picture sums it up pretty well:

When I lived in California, I seemed to have lots of conversations that would go something like this:

Me: Hello, I'd like a cheeseburger meal please.

Them: Ok, sure. Hey, I love your accent!

Me: Well, urm, thanks very much! (mumbles in a Hugh Grant fashion)

Them: Are you from Australia or something?

Me: (dies a little inside)

Ok, so they thought I was Australian a lot of the time- but still! People were generally very warm, which was somewhat of a blessing as I was always rather self-conscious about speaking as I was growing up. One of my strongest childhood memories is having lunch when I was about 6 and a girl in my class asking me "Phil, why do you talk posh?", which at the time rather took me aback. Did I really sound that stuck up when I talked? I didn't think so, but of course the thing about accents is that it doesn't matter what you think. It's entirely external, and other people's perceptions are what matter. Your voice is something which marks you out, so by the time I got to upper school I'd bolted down my accent in an effort to be one of the crowd- avoiding certain words or deliberately mispronouncing things so I wouldn't be marked out as an absolute twat. It was only really when I went away to university that I started talking again in a less self-conscious manner, because

A) you're surrounded by actual posh twats

B) you didn't grow up with any of these people, so you have a little leeway to reinvent yourself, and

C) you learn to not give so much of a shit about what people think about you or care about 'fitting in'

Nowadays, I'm no longer surrounded by southern English accents everyday; my fiancée has a mid-Western accent, and most of the people I work and socialize with are  American. Now don't get me wrong- I love being surrounded by all these American accents. But it does make for some strange situations when I'm talking with folks from back home. For example, when I'm chatting over Skype with my mum and I apologise for the poor connection over our rao-ter (instead of router) and she quite rightly has a bit of a laugh at my expense. Or when I was home last year and offered to put something in the "trunk" of the car, leading my brother to look at me with much the same expression of disgusted disappointment as if I'd let rip with a massive fart in front of the Queen.

Incidentally, this is what Lizzy Windsor looks like when you rip one in Her Majesty's presence.

Anyway, I'd like to conclude this missive on American vs British English with a plea. A particular request to a particular person. Specifically, to Bill Gates.

Get off that desk and come over here, Billy boy. We're going to have words. BRITISH-ENGLISH WORDS.

Hey Bill! I know you're no longer pulling the strings at Microsoft, but I figure you still have a bit of clout around the computer world. So I'm going to make a very simple plea- for the love of all that's holy,  please stop auto-correcting/squiggly underlining my words when I type them with a British spelling. You know damned well what I mean when I type "realise" (see, you just tried to change it again!), so stop making me second-guess myself. Can't we all get along? Let's just accept our differences and all get along as neighbors. No, neighbours! You know what, on second thoughts, just screw it. I'm going to rally the redcoats.

Legitimate grounds for war.