Phil's Alternative Thanksgiving History

Once upon a time (way back there. Like, sometime after Jesus but before WW1), there lived a group of people called the Pilgrims.

Waddup.

They were unhappy, which was exactly what they wanted. They thought happiness, joy, and smiling were abominable sins. Surprisingly, this made them unpopular. Sensing the mood, they decided to make their way to America.

In much the same way that unpopular Brits continue to do today.

America then was not as we know it today. It was a barren, inhospitable place. There weren't even any McDonald's yet. Fortunately, the pilgrims had packed their boats full of supplies! Unfortunately, the supplies in question were almost entirely useless, as they included such items as: garters, an English spaniel, and a single suit of light armour (great for the guy who's wearing it, not so much for everybody else).

I'm alright lads, but you lot are royally fucked if anybody comes with so much as a pointy stick

So, the pilgrims found themselves at the edge of the known world, and with fewer useful provisions than your average scout camp. Things were grim. But it was at this point that their luck changed, as in their most desperate hour of need they were aided by a Native American called Squanto. Squanto hadn't had the best of lives, but he was able to speak fluent English. Unfortunately, this was because he'd spent numerous years as a slave in England.

At least his story had a happy end.....oh.

Noting the pilgrim's almost adorable inability to hunt, fish, or grow any crops, Squanto took pity on them and gave them the tutorial in basic survival skills that they really should have had before they even set off.

Look noobs, just do as I say.

Realizing that Squanto had done them a massive solid, the pilgrims decided to celebrate their not-dying of starvation by inviting Squanto and the local Native Americans over for some dinner.

"Shit, she's giving me Brussels sprouts" "Just smile and eat them"

And so, the pilgrims sat down with the Native Americans to give thanks with a bountiful meal. The next day, the pilgrims "bought" all the surrounding land from the Natives for an absolute pittance. This dark episode eventually became known as Black Friday, which is celebrated today by trampling strangers in WalMart in a braying frenzy of greed and consumerism.

Happy holidays, folks!