I recently had some friends visit from England, and despite my better judgement I decided to travel down and greet them on arrival Bangkok. Here's how it went down.
First up- an early start. Generally, early morning airport runs are pretty painless. Carried by a mix of adrenaline, excitement, and those fearful "bloody hell, where's my passport?" moments, I find that it's honestly easier than getting up several hours later for a routine workday. Waking up at five, I proceeded straight to the airport... via a completely justifiable and absolutely necessary McDonald's breakfast. There's something about getting up at an ungodly hour which makes purchasing disgusting food seem all the more reasonable (see Louis CK's take on eating at airports to fully understand where I'm coming from). The flight itself was an absolute breeze. Chiang Mai to Bangkok only takes an hour, which makes it feel almost like cheating. After take off, there's only around 30 minutes 'flight time' before you come in to land, but I'd take it any day over a laboriously slow 12 hour bus/train ride. Whilst travelling by land is a draining experience, on this flight I'd barely finished a few chapters of Alex Ferguson's autobiography before we were stowing the tables for landing. As for Thai Smile, the snack was awful and the coffee was weaker than Michael Cera in a fistfight, but as the flight was so short and we landed on time it would be churlish to complain.
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| The crack of dawn. |
First up- an early start. Generally, early morning airport runs are pretty painless. Carried by a mix of adrenaline, excitement, and those fearful "bloody hell, where's my passport?" moments, I find that it's honestly easier than getting up several hours later for a routine workday. Waking up at five, I proceeded straight to the airport... via a completely justifiable and absolutely necessary McDonald's breakfast. There's something about getting up at an ungodly hour which makes purchasing disgusting food seem all the more reasonable (see Louis CK's take on eating at airports to fully understand where I'm coming from). The flight itself was an absolute breeze. Chiang Mai to Bangkok only takes an hour, which makes it feel almost like cheating. After take off, there's only around 30 minutes 'flight time' before you come in to land, but I'd take it any day over a laboriously slow 12 hour bus/train ride. Whilst travelling by land is a draining experience, on this flight I'd barely finished a few chapters of Alex Ferguson's autobiography before we were stowing the tables for landing. As for Thai Smile, the snack was awful and the coffee was weaker than Michael Cera in a fistfight, but as the flight was so short and we landed on time it would be churlish to complain.
On landing, I realised that I'd made the first mistake of the day. I'd somehow got it into my head that Suvarnbhumi Airport had only one single baggage reclaim area, and had arranged to meet my phone-less friends there. Realising my mistake, I collected my bag and spent 45 minutes waiting outside what I thought (incorrectly) was the correct gate, scanning the arriving flights from Muscat, Dubai, and Singapore desparately hoping I wouldn't miss my friends. Eventually, they came down from the correct gate to end my suffering, and we hopped on the aiport link train into town. If you're visiting Bangkok, I'd highly recommend it; for just 45 Baht it'll take you all the way from the airport to the very centre of town. After three trains and ten minutes of hiking with our gear, we'd made it to the hotel. SUCCESS. Only, we were told that check-in was still two hours away and we wouldn't be able to get into our rooms yet. FAILURE. After a quick conference with the guys (who'd already been travelling for about 24 hours by this point), we dropped our bags at the hotel, and headed out into the Big Mango to see the Grand Palace and Wat Phra Kaew.
After boarding a cheap river boat- again, only about 50 Baht- we headed up the river from Saphan Thaksin station. From the pier, the Grand Palace was only a short stroll...that is, a short stroll through the tourist gauntlet from hell. With traffic alternately whizzing/lurching forward on a congested road outside, you're limited only to one half of a pavement as you wind through amulet salesmen, market vendors, and con-men. Ahh, the con-men. In the ten minutes we spent walking to the entrance of the palace, there were at least three guys who were insisting that the Grand Palace was closed today. Of course, I didn't give them the time of day. It's the oldest Bangkok scam in the book; snag some tourists outside of a popular tourist location, inform them helpfully that the attraction is shut that day, and then helpfully offer them a ride to your cousin's over-priced gem shop/tailor/restaurant. So on hearing these noble gentlemen try to attract my attention, I withdrew into the classic Englishman abroad attitude- eyes down, ears off, trundling unflappably towards my destination.
But the last guy. Oh my. The last guy was fucking fantastically cockish. I don't even know why. But our conversation went something like this:
Random Dude: "Closed today."
Me: "That's ok." (proceeds on)
Random Dude: "No, no closed! Thai only, no foreigner!"
Me: "...sorry?"
Random Dude: "No foreigners, เข้าใจไหม?!"
Me: "เข้าใจ."
At this point, Random Dude realises I'm not a ฝรั่งขี้นก, lets me proceed on my way. Gotta love it.
As for the Grand Palace itself? I'd been there twice before, and remember it as being notably pretty (if busy) stop on the Bangkok tourist trail. On this particular Monday afternoon, it was absolutely horrendous. First, the weather. I'd expected it to be hot- no shit, it's Thailand- but good lord. I think all the beautiful golden surfaces were directing the sunlight directly onto the crown of my head. As we were lining up to buy tickets, the place was hotter than Satan's toilet bowl after a particularly lively Vindaloo. Inside, it was little better. Coupled with the heat was a new problem that I hadn't faced before; Chinese tour groups. I generally try to avoid generalising and stereotypes, but if I were to summarise these groups in three words; loud, uncouth, everywhere. There were ladies whipping off their sarongs to pose provocatively next to a statue, tour guides shouting across to those at the back of the herd, and generally about six inches of personal space no matter where you turned. The temples were as pretty as always, but I could only handle about 45 minutes before desperately wanting to leave.
After chugging a solid liter and a half of water, we decided to head on round the corner to Wat Pho and see the reclining Buddha statue, which was still tourist centred but far more tolerable. As we left the Grand Palace and skirted the outer wall of the compound, a tannoy blared out a looped message in English. Given my experience before the main gate, I couldn't help but smile: "Do not trust anyone who informs you that the Grand Palace is closed".
After boarding a cheap river boat- again, only about 50 Baht- we headed up the river from Saphan Thaksin station. From the pier, the Grand Palace was only a short stroll...that is, a short stroll through the tourist gauntlet from hell. With traffic alternately whizzing/lurching forward on a congested road outside, you're limited only to one half of a pavement as you wind through amulet salesmen, market vendors, and con-men. Ahh, the con-men. In the ten minutes we spent walking to the entrance of the palace, there were at least three guys who were insisting that the Grand Palace was closed today. Of course, I didn't give them the time of day. It's the oldest Bangkok scam in the book; snag some tourists outside of a popular tourist location, inform them helpfully that the attraction is shut that day, and then helpfully offer them a ride to your cousin's over-priced gem shop/tailor/restaurant. So on hearing these noble gentlemen try to attract my attention, I withdrew into the classic Englishman abroad attitude- eyes down, ears off, trundling unflappably towards my destination.
But the last guy. Oh my. The last guy was fucking fantastically cockish. I don't even know why. But our conversation went something like this:
Random Dude: "Closed today."
Me: "That's ok." (proceeds on)
Random Dude: "No, no closed! Thai only, no foreigner!"
Me: "...sorry?"
Random Dude: "No foreigners, เข้าใจไหม?!"
Me: "เข้าใจ."
At this point, Random Dude realises I'm not a ฝรั่งขี้นก, lets me proceed on my way. Gotta love it.
As for the Grand Palace itself? I'd been there twice before, and remember it as being notably pretty (if busy) stop on the Bangkok tourist trail. On this particular Monday afternoon, it was absolutely horrendous. First, the weather. I'd expected it to be hot- no shit, it's Thailand- but good lord. I think all the beautiful golden surfaces were directing the sunlight directly onto the crown of my head. As we were lining up to buy tickets, the place was hotter than Satan's toilet bowl after a particularly lively Vindaloo. Inside, it was little better. Coupled with the heat was a new problem that I hadn't faced before; Chinese tour groups. I generally try to avoid generalising and stereotypes, but if I were to summarise these groups in three words; loud, uncouth, everywhere. There were ladies whipping off their sarongs to pose provocatively next to a statue, tour guides shouting across to those at the back of the herd, and generally about six inches of personal space no matter where you turned. The temples were as pretty as always, but I could only handle about 45 minutes before desperately wanting to leave.
After chugging a solid liter and a half of water, we decided to head on round the corner to Wat Pho and see the reclining Buddha statue, which was still tourist centred but far more tolerable. As we left the Grand Palace and skirted the outer wall of the compound, a tannoy blared out a looped message in English. Given my experience before the main gate, I couldn't help but smile: "Do not trust anyone who informs you that the Grand Palace is closed".
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