Fast & Furious 7

A few selected thoughts. Spoilers, but who are we kidding...the story doesn't matter anyway.

-"London, England" - thanks for clarifying that, those shots of Tower Bridge and the Shard made it really difficult to tell which London we were in for a second.

-Gratuitous slow-mo close ups of ladies' bottoms in bikinis at the drag race meet. Ugh.

-Wait, now they're washing cars? And splashing water on each others bodies and giggling? Christ, I feel like I'm trapped in the wet-dream of a horny teenage boy.

-Clenching the armrest in horror as there's an Iggy Azalea cameo in the first five minutes. This is going to be a long movie.

-Vin Diesel is what you would get if you could shave a testicle and persuade it to mumble in a vest.

"fjgfughabud" - Vin Diesel

-Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, by contrast, looks like an erect penis in a sleeveless T-shirt.

-Did the Rock just do a Rock Bottom on Jason Statham through a glass table? Yes, yes he did. Bah Gawd, stop the damn match!

-The Rock falls about six storeys and lands on a car. Of course, he's fine.

-Kurt Russell, chewing up the scenery and hamming it up with a gusto that screams "cashing a fat pay check"

-"Tokyo, Japan". Thanks again for the clarification.

-More slow-mo close-ups of butts in bikini bottoms. Something about chavvy racing cars seems to make ladies' clothes fall off.

-Running off of a bus as it falls of a cliff and catching onto the spoiler of a car doing a J-turn. This is NOT the most ridiculous thing to happen in this movie.

-Now we're in Abu Dhabi, and after the establishing scenery shots we've got some slow-mo close-ups of JESUS CHRIST ENOUGH WITH THE BUTTS

-The comic relief character just referred to a female protagonist as "that". Nice to shake it up with some overt sexism to back up the implicitly misogynist ogling.

-T-Pain cameo.

-Most Ridiculous Part of the Movie Award: a highly contested honour! Driving a Ferrari inside a high rise apartment, our daring heroes drive out of the window...into a neighbouring skyscraper. But, the brakes don't work and the car careens all the way through the building...into ANOTHER skyscraper. After destroying some Terracotta Army soldiers, our heroes bail as the Ferrari runs out of skyscrapers and crashes to the earth. SCENE.

-Runner Up: seeing explosions in the TV, the Rock gets up from his hospital bed. Arm in a cast, he flexes a bicep and the cast EXPLODES off. I can't even.

-Jason Statham and Vin Diesel brawl on a rooftop car park. Diesel can barely keep his gut sucked in as he dodges the blows.

-A rocket blasts a hole on the roof. Diesel stomps on the ground, and the roof collapses.

-The movie finishes with a touching tribute to Paul Walker. Or at least, it would be touching if five minutes earlier Vin Diesel hadn't blown up a helicopter with a bag of hand grenades, exploded with the help of the Rock shooting them with a 9mm.

Too conclude, this movie was hilarious- sometimes intentionally so, often not. But for all it's awfulness I can't bring myself to hate it...even if it was misogynistic, weak, and pretty terrible all-round.