2016: Marvel is a gravity-defying media behemoth, dominating silver and small screen alike. Whether it's making mad bank at the box office or gritty, critically loved TV shows, Marvel can do no wrong. Hell, they even took the chubby loser from Parks & Recreation and turned him into a bona fide A-lister.
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| Well dayum |
But it was not always this way. Let me take you back through the mists of time, to a land called February 2003. 50 Cent was a few weeks away from dropping In Da Club. George W. Bush was about to command a victorious coalition invasion into Iraq. Most importantly however, Marvel/20th Century Fox dropped Daredevil onto an unsupecting viewing public.
Against my better judgement, I decided to hit Netflix once more and see if the movie really was that bad. Here's what I found:
1) The now iconic Marvel logo, back when it still adorned spectacular piles of crap
3) Rat, CHECK. Vent steam, CHECK. We're definitely in New York's seedy underbelly.
4) Jon Favreau! He must be the missing link between the crappy superhero movies of the early 00's and the decent MCU stuff that came later.
5) If empty bottles of Heineken are prominently placed around an alcoholic, is that product placement or not? I'm going to call this Schrodinger's Product Placement Paradox.
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| Jack Murdock drinks Heineken! Heineken: For When You're On Your Downward Spiral |
7) "What I saw, I'll never forget...because it would be the last thing I'd ever see" -NARRATIVE EXPOSITION KLAXON
8) Drops report card full of A's into the puddle. Subtle.
9) Bright red barrels marked WARNING: BIOHAZARD. Well this couldn't possibly be impor...
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| What no way |
11) The story of Matt's father refusing to take a fall in the ring is supposed to show the importance of persistence, justice, and truth. To me, it just seems to reinforce the message that you should really just give up when somebody more powerful tells you too. I mean, think about it- if his dad had just lost the meaningless fight like he was told, then he would've still been alive and made good money out of it. Wait, that's not the point?
12) We're 20 minutes in, and almost all of Affleck's dialogue has been in the voiceover.
13) Ok, the sensory deprivation tank is a nice touch. [update] But wait, what if there's a power-cut? Nobody knows where he lives, and the front door is essentially a safe. You'd be dead, Matt.
14) Matt turns on the stereo, which is blaring out the very worst in early 00's nu-metal. Oh boy.
15) Red-tinted sunglasses? Christ Murdock, you're supposed to be incognito
16) Hey, it's the Greek guy from The Wire/every TV series ever!
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| Incidentally, his name is Paul Ben-Victor. Now you know! |
18) Generic "superhero putting on costume montage". Slightly better than Batman and Robin, but not much. [update] Come to think of it, how many superhero costumes feature a prominent zip on the front and a plain old belt?
19) Three trains at the Metro station in under a minute? What kind of station is this?
20) If Matt has super-sensitive smell, why does he put the mustard in his coffee when Foggy gives it too him? So he can "sense" Elektra before she even comes in the cafe, but can't tell the difference between mustard and syrup?
21) Jennifer Garner embodying those terrible, terrible 2003 fashions. Spaghetti straps? Double denim? Flared jeans? Yikes.
22) Fighting as flirting. This is incredibly awkward.
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| Remember boys, if a girl doesn't tell you her name then grab her by the wrist until she acquiesces! |
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| That's just classic entertainment right there. |
25) Hey, it's the guy from the Mummy! This movie is a veritable "Who's that guy again?" of character actors.
26) "...training with a different sen-SY since the age of six" - well then maybe you ought to know how to pronounce the word sensei, Elektra.
27) Yikes for Wesley's frosted tips...
28) Why is Bullseye just throwing 50's- I mean, I get it's his name, but TREBLE 20's MAN
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| Because 60 > 50 |
30) ...ruined only by a godawful hip-hop background about being Irish which finishes with the actual lyrics "top of the morning to you"
31) Bullseye killing casually racist granny with a peanut is also pretty hilarious. Bullseye is without doubt the higlight of the movie so far.
32) Just realised how much Jennifer Garner resembles Hilary Swank.
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| Apparently, the internet agrees. |
34) Ben Affleck, Oscar winner, with this 'blind man' face
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| The face of a man who is simultaneously high and drunk trying to solve a maths problem. |
36) Journalist stuffs phone number on piece of paper in Matt's pocket. Let's hope it's in braille!
37) Did the New York Post pay for product placement so that their van could be prominently crashed into?
38) Ooph, that's bad CGI.
39) EVANESCENCE. I'd forgotten all about them!
40) Colin Farrell is blatantly having the time of his life hamming it up to 11.
41) Evanescence again? It's been ten minutes and this is the most I've heard from them in over a decade.
42) Finally, we see Daredevil's one true weakness: hanging laundry
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| Look out Matt, it's linen! |
44) You know that when they pitched this movie, the words "organ fight" featured prominently
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| "This is basically Citizen Kane for our times" - the director, probably |
46) Stigmata reference as Bullseye is shot through the hands.
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| "P.S. Subtlety is for pussies" - the director again, probably |
48) "I set out to save the city, but- with Elektra's help- I saved myself instead" oyyyyyy
49) Why would you write an entire article exposing Matt Murdock as Daredevil, THEN delete it all? One of those things that happens in movies but never in real life, because you just wouldn't bother writing it in the first place
50) There's an actor credited as "Man With Pen in Head". Imagine putting that on your CV.
Love this! Now go watch the Daredevil TV series bc it is amazing!
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