Chad Vonoverbro: Thanks, Devon. Well, there's only one person that we can begin with tonight, as the media has the attention span of a toddler and focuses upon the colourful thing which makes the most noise.
 |
| "And I can make a YUGE noise." |
Noted snake-oil tycoon Donald Trump is progressing strongly, recently winning Nevada by appealing to his core demographic of Elvis impersonators and hookers. Trump's also gathering more and more key endorsements, locking in support from both washed-up pop stars and the KKK.
So what is the key to Trump's success? Everyday supporters say that Trump merely "says what we're thinking", a chilling statement which appears to be code for "he says the unapologetically racist and sexist things that we're thinking". If this is indeed the case, it's a sad indictment of the underlying bigotry that persists in American society, Devon!
DS: I'll say, Chad! Speaking of irredeemably awful humans, how's Ted Cruz getting on?
CV: Well Devon, as a Canadian Ted Cruz is doing extremely well, on the grounds that he might not actually even be eligible to be President. Of course, you'll remember that when a black guy born in Hawaii ran for President a few years ago, this was a huge issue. Funnily enough, it only seems to be a minor technicality now that a Republican candidate has actually been born overseas.
In any case, this *slight* hitch around eligibility combined with the fact that Cruz also has Hispanic heritage means that his relative success amongst Republicans is nothing short of a miracle. Cruz appeals most strongly to
 |
| Although he does have a certain lovable familiarity about him from somewhere. |
CV: That's absolutely right. Just a few short weeks ago, Rubio's campaign seemed dead in the water after appearing to become a malfunctioning robot during a GOP debate, a performance so bad that Chris Christie was able to destroy Rubio. Chris Christie, Devon. The man couldn't even sustain his own campaign for another week, but still managed to give Rubio a smack-down that Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson himself would be proud of.
Since then, however, Rubio has bailed out most of the water from his sinking ship of a campaign, and hit upon the apparently novel approach of pointing out that Trump is a bit of a dick. People seem to enjoy watching an impertinent man-child take shots at a overblown jackass, and it's playing well for Rubio as he seeks to emerge as the "establishment pick".
DS: Chad, could you just explain to our viewers what exactly is meant by the term "establishment pick"?
CV: Well Devon, the GOP primaries have seen Donald Trump chalk up early victories, whilst Carly Fiorina and Ben Carson also did well in early polling. These are candidate from outside the political arena, outside the Republican Party itself, and generally outside the realm of sanity. The success of these candidates suggests that perhaps the GOP nomination is a little like a fairground strongman game; pretty much anybody can walk by, have one quick look and think "Well sure, I could have a crack at that".
This has understandably alarmed the Republican Party leadership, who want to be seen as having a clue what is happening. They're searching for a candidate to throw their weight behind who is
a) a member of the party.
b) not bat-shit insane.
So far, they've come up with nada.
DS: Chad, thanks very much for that insightful report. Well folks, the GOP used to be the party of Lincoln and fiscal responsibility, but for now it appears we're looking at a three horse race between leathery dickbag Donald Trump, noted piss-thistle Ted Cruz, and possessed ventriloquist dummy Marco Rubio.The GOP primaries: a race to the bottom in which nobody is winning, and the only loser is society.
 |
| "Kneel before us, plebs" |
No comments:
Post a Comment